


Cue the Credits

by wellthisisprettyrisque (collettephinz)



Series: Existence is Weird [1]
Category: Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots, Young Veins
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Confessions, Dating, Falling In Love, First Time, Gay, Josh Dun is a dork, M/M, Meeting the Parents, Romantic Comedy, Ryan Ross's stellar people skills, Ryan is terrified of babies, Tyler and Jenna have a daughter, a friend told me to add, a really sexy dork, and they kiss a lot, bad break ups, but they're gay and we're happy, cute shit, he also kicks things into pools, her name is Hannah, hokey christmas stuff, huge fic, marriage proposals, mentions of neglect/abuse, this word count is crazy for one chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2016-10-19
Packaged: 2018-08-23 11:13:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 40,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8325553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collettephinz/pseuds/wellthisisprettyrisque
Summary: Josh shrugged. “You wanna grab milkshakes?”Ryan almost rolled his eyes. “Why would I do that?”“Because you don’t seem to be having any fun.”Ryan could not deny that.“Look at it this way,” Josh said. “You can either hate your life here, in a monotonous way you’ve done thousands of times before and know it will never get better, or you can come with me, get milkshakes, and at least do something slightly impulsive. And hey, if you hate it, you never have to do it again.”





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bluemoongirl99](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluemoongirl99/gifts), [folie_a_dont](https://archiveofourown.org/users/folie_a_dont/gifts), [momiji_neyuki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/momiji_neyuki/gifts), [tenlittlecockbites](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenlittlecockbites/gifts).



> SO this is that doozy of a Josh Dun/Ryan Ross fic that i promised fucking ages ago
> 
> it's Josh/Ryan (called Joyan) in a modern AU where Panic, TOP, FOB, and all that good jazz exists. It's obviously after the breakup of 2008 and breakdown of 2011 and can be estimated to take place in the year 2017, since Ryan is already thirty when he and Josh start dating. 
> 
> special thanks to **Halseyschemicalromance** for betaing this story and writing that final sex scene for me since i am a fragile ace and get flustered easily. she's writing this really awesome Josh/Ryan called _"Playground Dreams, Teenage Screams"_ and it's got fucking werewolves and it's really amazing, so you should check that out. 
> 
> thanks for waiting so patiently!

__

_“i think we deserve a soft epilogue, my friend. we are good people and we’ve suffered enough.”_

__

. . .

Ryan Ross hated parties these days, honestly despised them and regretted attending them every time he was ever dumb enough to leave his home-- and Dottie-- to show up at one of those shitty things. The lights were too bright, the people were too stupid, and there were way too many drugs present for him to be comfortable. The air was being taken up by way too many people, and breathing was a chore with all the elbows and hips and shoulders in his stomach and chest. He was wearing clothes that he wasn’t necessarily comfortable in, and the music was far too loud. 

He wasn’t sure what this party was for— some sort of shitty holiday that no one actually paid any attention to and only wanted an excuse to get wrecked. Literally everyone with a face on the TV was here because it was a party thrown by Adam fucking Levine. Ryan wasn’t sure why he always attended Levine’s parties, because he was more likely to meet someone he actually knew at these, but Dan was good at convincing Ryan to do stupid things. One time Dan had convinced Ryan to steal a fucking lamp from a house party by the beach. Ryan still had that lamp in his living room.

He heaved a sigh and pretended to be bored, when really he was going out of his mind with claustrophobia. He pushed through the crowd and tried to move as quickly as he could to the back porch without drawing too much attention to himself. There was a huge pool in the back, but everyone was too well dressed and not nearly drunk enough to consider swimming in their clothes or underwear. Ryan almost wanted to take a dip, because the water was cold and he was overheating in this stupid dress jacket that he’d thrown on in a last minute attempt to look modern. God, this party was such a mistake. Where even was Dan? What an asshole.

Ryan finally reached the glass french doors that led out to the backyard, and was relieved to find only a few people mingling about. One girl seemed very high, and she laughed like it too, so Ryan avoided that group of friends and sat on a poolside bench that looked out towards the glimmering lights of the city. The lights used to inspire Ryan. Now they just drained him, left him feeling tired and sad. He wondered how many people out there felt the same.

Ryan leaned back in the seat and stared up at the stars instead. Just looked into that emptiness and wondered why he hadn’t become an astronaut. Well, he knew the answer to that. He sure as fucking hell hadn’t had the intelligence, grades, money, and passion to become an astronaut back then. He still didn't now. He was completely bitter about not having chosen a more emotionally fulfilling path for his life. Music was great until everyone hated you. 

He grimaced and shifted, his neck beginning to hurt, and he tried to remember if he’d watered his plants today. His therapist had recommended little responsibilities to encourage himself to take on bigger responsibilities once he succeeded in the current areas. It was dumb, but Ryan liked his plants and had named all of them. Gregory, Sasha, Margarine, and Bill. He thought they were good names. He didn’t have many negative memories attached to any of those names.

Ryan winced and squirmed again, really taking a beating on his neck for this shit. The sky was enticing and everything, but he wasn’t sure if this was worth it. Then again, his butt was pretty comfortable, and that one high girl had gone inside, so he was basically alone out here with the palm trees and soft, artificial light. Jesus, was he even actually comfortable? Did he care enough to move? 

“Is that comfortable?”

Ryan kicked out randomly, a gut reaction to anyone sneaking up on him, and luckily missed whoever was speaking. But he didn’t miss the small table in front of him, and accidentally kicked the damn thing into the pool. Ryan watched the metal furniture sink into the water like someone witnessing the end of the Titanic, mouth agape in horror. He should’ve stayed home. He should’ve just stayed home.

“Holy shit,” the voice laughed. “Gonna go after it?”

Ryan turned to look and was loath to realize that he recognized this guy. Not personally, thank fuck, but he knew people he’d known knew this guy personally, meaning stories would be traded, and people would laugh. Josh Dun’s hair was pink today. How original.

“I’m hoping to pretend it never happened,” Ryan said, doing his best to sound as non-accusatory as possible. “But having a witness may make that difficult. Should probably dunk you too, just to be safe.”

Fuck, that was way too morbid to say to a stranger. 

Josh laughed anyways. Then Josh sat down beside Ryan on the bench, and Ryan tried to figure out what he’d said that had apparently been an invitation. He’d come out here to be alone, god dammit, not bombarded by a guy with pink hair who’d seen him spazz out.

“I kinda hate parties,” Josh said, and wow, Ryan wondered if he’d asked this guy a question, because he was certainly eager to give an uninvited answer. “I know that it’s fun for a lot of people, but anyone I meet here seems fake to me. Not, like, fake to their friends. But they act fake for me. And I hate that. Tyler always says that fake people have a lot to hide. That they are ashamed of something, so they have to hide it behind falsities and plastic smiles and just, all this fake stuff. He says it’s a waste of time, and life, and that it’s sad. I just think it’s annoying.”

“Stellar,” Ryan drawled. He made to stand, but Josh kept talking. 

“It’s weird being at one of these things without Tyler,” he continued. “Tyler and I, we do fucking everything together. We talk about retiring as neighbor’s for pete’s sake— god, isn’t that weird to say once you know a Pete? For pete’s sake. What does Pete have to do with this? Is it for his hair or his sanity?”

“Can we not talk about Pete?” Ryan asked, not caring if he sounded rude. Fuck, he didn’t even want to talk about anything.

Josh shrugged. “You wanna grab milkshakes?”

Ryan almost rolled his eyes. “Why would I do that?”

“Because you don’t seem to be having any fun.”

Ryan could not deny that.

“Look at it this way,” Josh said. “You can either hate your life here, in a monotonous way you’ve done thousands of times before and know it will never get better, or you can come with me, get milkshakes, and at least do something slightly impulsive. And hey, if you hate it, you never have to do it again.”

Ryan narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “And if I just choose to go home?”

Josh shrugged. “Don’t know. But you’ll probably regret not coming with me.”

Ryan hated to realize Josh was right.

“Milkshakes,” he said firmly. “Nothing more.”

. . .

Milkshakes and nothing more turned into milkshakes and french fries, then nachos, then a competition to see who could eat the most of everything. The progression happened naturally and with no explanation. Ryan honestly hadn’t noticed he was having a good time until he’d found himself laughing at a stupid joke that Josh had said. One of many jokes, really, and definitely not the first time Ryan had laughed at one of them. It was starting to make Ryan nervous, in an entirely irrational way. He was scared of making new friends. It was a lot of responsibility. 

“Ah, shit,” Josh said as he looked to his phone that was buzzing like a vibrator. “Tyler needs me.”

Ryan did his very best to pretend he wasn’t disappointed. 

“Gimme your number,” Josh said, replacing the totally nonexistent disappointment with tentative hope. Ryan took Josh’s phone when Josh offered it— which was an amazing gesture of trust that Ryan definitely hadn’t earned— and plugged in his phone number. Josh grinned once he had his phone back, and he didn’t even send Ryan a text with the new number to make sure it was legitimate. Jesus, Ryan already had so much trust from this guy that he definitely didn’t deserve. 

Josh left and Ryan watched him go with a sense of bewilderment.

. . .

theres no way i can go 2 this release bc tyler isnt going either but i have 2 and jen isnt able 2 come so im rly just trying to ask u 2 come with me what do you say

Ryan stared at the text message like it had offended him. He was in the middle of breakfast. Dottie was leaning against him and watching him expectantly because she hadn’t eaten either. Ryan looked down at counter and saw that he was in the middle of spooning Dot’s dog food onto the same plate as his anemic eggs. He wondered why Tyler couldn’t go. He wondered if he should even go with Josh at all. It had been a week since the party with the milkshakes, and Ryan was still trying to get his head back on straight. The accidental encounter had been way too random to be forgotten easily, and Ryan had even told his therapist about it, been praised for stepping out of his comfort zone, said it was good for his atelophobia, but god, Ryan just wasn’t sure.

Still.

He wasn’t doing anything tonight.

Ryan sighed and hung his head before responding: why the fuck not

. . .

“It’s really cool you could come,” Josh told him with a grin. “I don’t even fucking know this band, but they’re under my label, and I’m supposed to show support to my fellow musicians and shit, so I had to come, and all of my other friends are out of town, but you and I had a good time, so, I thought “why not?” and just texted you.”

Ryan appreciated the play-by-play. “What’s Tyler doing?”

Josh’s eyes lit up like a fucking firecracker and he leaned in to stage-whisper, “Jenn’a pregnant,” and wow, Ryan had not been expecting that. He was pretty sure Jenna was Tyler’s girlfriend, because that was the only thing that would make sense. Unless maybe Jenna was a sister?

“Who’s Jenna?” Ryan asked, not wanting to be wrong about the identity of Jenna should the topic of conversation come up again.

“His wife,” Josh said with a wide grin. “They’ve only been trying for a week, but they’ve already got a bun in the oven. Isn’t that awesome?” Josh threw back his drink. Ryan was pretty sure it was Hawaiian Fruit Punch. Ryan hadn’t gotten a drink because everything here was alcoholic and Ryan sure as hell didn’t trust himself or anyone here enough to risk even the most casual glass of wine. Ryan was also very thirsty.

“You okay?” Josh asked. “You’re staring at my drink.”

Ryan wet his lips and considered asking for whatever Josh was having, but decided against it. “I’m fine, just zoned out.”

Josh shrugged and took another swig. Ryan wondered how good the tap water in the bathrooms were. He wondered how long he was expected to hang around. Josh didn’t look very comfortable, either He wondered if they were going to go out for milkshakes again, or if Josh only needed him for this and only this. 

“Shit, hey, I’m such a shitty date,” Josh said. “Want something to drink? Or eat? There’re, like, beers and stuff in a cooler somewhere if that’s more your scene.”

Ryan wasn’t able to hide his look of disgust in time. “Uh, no, n-no, I’m fine.”

Josh raised a brow and Ryan wondered if he’d offended the guy. “Do you not want to drink?”

“I don’t want to drink alcohol,” Ryan admitted with a sigh, figuring he may as well just tell the truth. “I try not to make a habit of drinking in public. Try not to make a habit of drinking in general, anymore, that is. Bad stuff happens, and it’s not good for me. I swear to god, I’m not, like, boring, or anything, I’ll have wine and stuff if the company’s right, and I don’t judge people for drinking, I just…” He trailed off, wondering why he was trying to convince Josh to like him.

Josh was smiling, though. “I hate the taste of beer,” Josh said. “You want some of this? It’s Hi-C. I have them just cut open tons of boxes of that shit for me to drink cause, you know, I’m just not into that part of partying.”

Ryan was relieved. “I would fucking love some of that,” he said. Josh looked very pleased at the decision. He led Ryan to this guy named Joseph, who was a PR guy for one of the bands at the label, and who also, apparently, had the new Doom game on his desktop in his cubicle.

“Wanna play?” Josh offered after Joseph raised the possibility, voice low and secretive like they were doing something they weren’t supposed to. Ryan readily agreed.

That was how he’d ended up three stories below the party, pressed thigh to thigh with Josh, playing Doom and marveling over the graphics and gore and addictively scarce plot that Ryan had been obsessed with when he was younger. Josh would often reached across the keyboard for his own cup of punch, since that was apparently the only area of space, and the warmth of Josh against his side was the only combatant to the overpowered AC of the building.

It was the most fun Ryan had had in weeks.

. . .

Two weeks later—

another party, another pregnancy class for tyler u down?

Ryan didn’t hesitation answering “yes” this time.

. . .

“What is this party even for?” Ryan asked, leaning against a kitchen counter that was in the middle of this weird venue-slash-apartment-slash-studio. The party was pretty tame, just people in nice clothes discussing things that Ryan personally didn’t give a shit about.

“Who cares?” Josh shot back. “I just invited your here so I could invite you to leave with me.”

Ryan snorted a laugh, not entirely surprised to learn that. “Where do you want to go?” he asked, honestly a little relieved. He would much rather hang out with Josh for no reason than be at a party with a menial purpose. Parties were honestly hell when you’d lived like Ryan. He preferred not having to paste on a fake face and put on a show. He was done with performing. For everyone.

“Let’s go star gazing,” Josh suggested after a moment of thought, and okay, that was admittedly weird. “Let’s sneak onto some patch of beach and look at those weird balls of gas and make dumb jokes about it. We can grab some food on the way there— real food.”

“What defines real food?”

Josh grinned. “In’N’Out?”

Ryan moaned, letting his head fall back. “A fucking burger sounds so good, Josh. I was skeptical at first, but now I’m one hundred percent supportive of this decision. Do we have to make a stealthy exit, or are we good to just bolt?”

Ryan looked to Josh when Josh didn’t immediately answer and raised a brow. Josh was staring at Ryan with slightly parted lips. “Surprised I wanna go?” he asked, feigning for nonchalance to hide his genuine curiosity. From what he’d heard, it was hard to render Josh Dun speechless. “C’mon, dude, you’re freaking me out,” he added after a moment, because he was getting a bit nervous. It had only been a few seconds, but it was like the idea of Ryan actually eating greasy food had short-circuited Josh’s brain.

“We can leave now,” Josh croaked, voice audibly cracking. Ryan snickered and drank the last of his punch, ready to get the fuck out of this place.

. . .

“I’m just trying to say that car guys tend to be really obsessed with the sizes of their dicks, and I think it’s hilarious,” Josh told Ryan as he tried to wipe his hands on the sand to get sand off his hands. Ryan sucked the thousand island dressing variant In’N’Out used from his fingertips, listening idly. “It’s like they think the size of their tires is a direct translation when it’s actually, like…” Josh waved his hands in the air, at a lost for words.

“Inversely proportional?” Ryan supplied, using what little math terminology he remembered.

“Inversely proportional!” Josh exclaimed, snapping at the air and grinning at Ryan like he’d given him a present. “Fucking perfect, Ryan! Thank you.” He went back to eating his burger and looking at the sky again. “I need a book on the stars,” he said around a cheekful of ground beef. “I’ve always meant to learn about the constellations, so I can point at the big dipper and find the North Star and sail the open seas.”

“You like sailing?” Ryan asked, a little eager to get to know this guy a bit better.

“Fuck, I can barely swim,” Josh laughed. “I love the ocean, but I’m not good out there. I stick to driving on the ground, where people are the worst thing that could happen to me. Like, if another person runs into my fender, that’s fine, I’ve got insurance, I can fix that. But on the ocean? When it’s the world that can fuck me over?” Josh shook his head.

“No thanks,” Josh continued. “I don’t have that kind of bravery. I can’t be a pirate or anything. Sure, I perform onstage and stuff, but I’m never really stepping out of my comfort zone, especially since huge crowds have become a comfort zone in its own way to me. I have to try extra hard to get myself to do even mildly crazy things that are actually kinda mundane, unless it’s something on my bucket list. But like, asking you out, for example. Tyler had to give me such a big fucking pep talk for—”

“Woah, woah, woah,” Ryan interrupted. “When the fuck did you ask me out?”

Josh blinked slowly at him.

Ryan gaped. “Josh? Are we on a date right now?”

“I called you my date at the last party,” Josh said, looking a little unsure and more than a lot scared. “I, I’d thought it was pretty clear…”

“It wasn’t clear,” he told Josh with an edge of hysteria. “It wasn’t fucking clear.”

Josh looked a little crushed. “Fuck, I’m sorry, dude,” he mumbled, looking down at what was left of his burger. “I just, I like you, Ryan. You’re fun to be around, and Jenna is encouraging me to broaden my horizons, and uh, I mean, you’re pretty fucking attractive, and you seem like you could use a friend, and I like talking to you?” Josh formed that last part as a question, giving a little shrug. “I’m always told to date someone you can talk for hours with, but also exist in comfortable silence. And that’s kinda you, so far. And I’m attracted to you. It’s all for the best put together. But I thought you knew these were dates, and I… I’m sorry for taking advantage of you.”

Ryan watched him talk and saw something in Josh’s eyes that he’d never seen in anyone before.

“I have so much baggage,” he told Josh, not giving him a no for a reason. Josh caught up, looking up with hope written across his face. Ryan felt like Josh deserved a decent warning if he really wanted to get into Ryan. “Like, I go to a therapist once a week. I only have three friends and one of them is my dog.”

“Jesus, dude, that’s intense,” Josh said, interrupting before Ryan could get to the next bullet on his list. “But Ryan, I kinda… I mean, I don’t care. I care that you’re sad and stuff, but it doesn’t change that I wanna hang out with you. Everyone’s got issues. Yours can’t be that bad.”

Ryan laughed a little because he couldn’t do anything else.

“Guess I should ask you blatantly,” Josh said. “Make it loud and clear.”

“If you’re sure,” Ryan said.

“Ryan, will you go out with me?” Josh asked, going as far as scooping Ryan’s hand up in his own. Ryan blushed a bit at the heated touch and hated himself for it.

“Why the fuck not,” Ryan replied. He didn’t have much else to lose.

. . .

Ryan went home and mulled over his decision with much more careful deliberation than he had back at the beach.

To begin, Ryan didn’t date much, especially not anymore. After turning thirty, he had a moment of realization to the fact that he was probably going to be alone for the rest of his life. No one found their soulmate after thirty, and it was almost relieving. It was a relief to know that he wouldn’t have to search anymore, or muddle through possibility after possibility. He was pretty content with being himself, but always meant to keep an open mind and open door should someone seek him out.

Josh was seeking him out.

Ryan didn’t like trusting many people these days, either. He had Dan and a few other odds and ends, but he’d realized, long ago, that having too many friends opened him up to way too many risks. He didn’t want to get hurt. He didn’t want to be used time and time again. He was starting to learn that maybe he didn’t deserve all those bad things, or at least, not every single one that came his way. He didn’t need friends that would pressure him to drink and shoot up and destroy himself in the name of being social.

Josh just wanted to get milkshakes and watch the stars.

Ryan couldn’t handle the spotlight anymore, and he couldn’t stand out. He hated standing out. Made it easier for someone to cut him down, whether it be with words or actions. He’d become weaker in his “old” age and couldn’t stand to expose himself to the elements of showbiz and stardom again. Fame had destroyed his childhood friend, his relationships, and his passion for music, and god, how fucked was that? Ryan had had the very music beaten out of him by all his own mistakes, and the mistakes of his “friends” that were now just as absent as the deceased. Dating anyone that could understand what Ryan went through opened himself up to that same risk. 

But Josh… Josh avoided all of that. He avoided the parties and the alcohol and the bad decisions. Josh Dun and Tyler Joseph were both very private people and avoided the spotlight, the media, fucking everything. They weren’t hungry for fame and exposure. They just wanted to make music and make the music worth listening to. Ryan could appreciate that. It was how Ryan had started. He’d wanted to make something worthwhile and memorable, something that would live beyond him, because he honestly believed he’d die before thirty. Now that dying before thirty was apparently not the case, Ryan had no idea what to do with himself, aside from survive. He had decided to keep the door open, and here was someone who was knocking before entering, being polite and actually asking Ryan things and making sure he understand what was happening in his already hectic life. Ryan appreciated the courtesy, hell, he fucking loved it. And at the very least, he felt like he owed Josh a chance. 

Fuck, Ryan wanted this, too. He wanted to try this. He hadn’t dated another man since Brendon, hardly remember what it was like, and he had shitty luck with women, so maybe this would work? Maybe, if he tried hard enough and kept his issues out of the way and actually stopped and thought, this could work. Ryan could make it work.

Ryan was going to try to make it work.

. . .

Ryan stared at his phone the next morning, then decided to send the text. 

wanna get dinner?

Josh’s response was almost immediate.

when n where bb

Ryan blushed at the pet name and wondered how quickly Josh was moving with this whole tentative relationship. Calling him baby already? Or maybe it was a typo? What if Josh had just hit something wrong and totally fucked up? God, what if he was currently typing a message to correct his mistake? The flutter in Ryan’s stomach would’ve been for nothing.

Fuck, there was that little speech bubble to show Josh was typing.

babe im gonna need an add 2 get 2 u <3

Ryan ran a hand over his face and tried to breathe through the heart palpitations like his therapist recommended with anxiety attacks.

. . .

Ryan looked over his reflection one last time. Josh was waiting downstairs, in Josh’s car, because Josh wanted to go the whole nine yards and pick Ryan up and have flowers and chocolates and shit. Josh had sent Ryan a picture of the flowers and chocolates, that Ryan coincidentally saw on Josh’s Instagram a few moments later, thankfully with no reference to Ryan at all. And Ryan appreciated the flowers, he so fucking did, he was just… nervous. His clothes weren’t good enough, his hair wasn’t perfect, and Ryan’s hands were shaking.

He quickly changed out of his paisley button down and put on a black one instead. His skinny jeans were his second skin, so those were staying, and Ryan decided to play it safe with black Vans instead of the red ones, and god, Ryan decided to change to a black belt instead of the brown one, and the black dress jacket instead of the maroon, and now Ryan was blending in with the shadows better than any asian stereotype of a ninja. 

Fuck, sometimes Ryan wished he hadn’t become so fucking basic.

He ducked his head, ruffled his scraggly hair, and went downstairs instead of lingering on his reflection.

He could see the way Josh’s eyes lit up even from across the street and through the tinted windows of Josh’s car. Ryan smiled crookedly and ducked into the car when Josh leaned over the console to open the door for him. Josh then reached into the back seat and pulled out the very same flowers and box of chocolates in the heart shaped box. 

“You didn’t have to,” Ryan said, accepting them anyways. He wasn’t a girl or anything, he didn’t need to be wooed, but he kinda appreciated the show of affection. Sometimes he missed the feeling of being cared about. And Ryan was certainly going to return the favor. He hesitated, of course, Ryan always hesitated, but then Ryan leaned across the console and kissed Josh’s cheek. Just barely, just the slightest touch of his lips to Josh’s cheekbone, but when he pulled away, he’d known it was enough. Josh’s expression of gentle awe said a lot more than words could, and Ryan knew his intended message had been received. 

“Ready to go?” Ryan asked in the quiet privacy of the car, not daring to break the gaze he and Josh were sharing. Josh nodded and fumbled with the keys, twisting them and revving the engine a little too violently from how flustered he was. Josh apologized, and Ryan grinned, then sat back in his seat and let Josh focus.

“Olive Garden?” Josh asked once they’d arrived at the address Ryan had directed him to. He was probably worried that they were at the wrong place, but Ryan just shrugged, not having much of an explanation. 

“Just didn’t want to go anywhere flashy,” he bullshitted. 

Josh gradually became more excited. “Freaking endless breadsticks,” he said with a wide grin. “A man after my own heart.”

Ryan didn’t have words for how relieving that was. Honestly, that was the best word for Josh— a relief. Josh was just one relief (and pleasant surprise) after another. All of Ryan’s wary expectations were being fucked in the ass, and he loved it. Ryan hated surprises, but he loved being proved wrong when it came to his more pessimistic assumptions. Josh all but fell out of the car and slid over the hood like in the movies to open Ryan’s door before Ryan could think to open it for himself. 

“Your meal awaits, sir,” Josh said with a goofy grin and a deep bow. Ryan was a little bewildered, and it showed on his face. Josh ran a hand through his hair as he laughed with a little embarrassment. “Sorry, dude, I’m just— I’m nervous. I say dumb stuff when I’m nervous. It’s the rambling and all that, actually a bit of a turn off for a lot of people.”

“I don’t mind,” Ryan said, and he really didn’t— he’d dated Brendon Urie for a few years. Josh didn’t know the meaning of the word “rambling.” And at least Josh could do more than talk about himself. He got out of the car and “accidentally” nudged Josh’s side with his hip before heading to the front door and holding it open for Josh, refusing to be the girl in all of this. Josh grinned and bowed again, though it was more of a curtsy this time, and Ryan was loathed to find himself blushing.

At the table, Josh tried to convince Ryan to help him recreate the kiss from “Lady and the Tramp.”

“As far as first kisses can go, this would be one of the cutest,” Josh continued, and Ryan really appreciated him being so blunt, because Ryan was way too flustered to understand and catch onto subtleties right now. “We can totally brag about it to friends and shit, and Tyler would be so jealous. He can’t convince Jenna to do the same with him because she hates tomatoes.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Ryan asked dumbly.

Josh chuckled and just pointed with his fork to the tomato sauce his pasta was drowned in. Ryan wanted to smack his fucking head on the table.

“We should totally do the dog kiss,” Josh insisted. “I will not rest until that happens.”

“Maybe on the third date,” Ryan said.

“This is technically our fourth,” Josh combatted. 

“I wasn’t aware of the first three,” Ryan pointed out as he ate his soup. “Which totally isn’t fair. Didn’t even know to have my game face on. I would’ve worn makeup and my nice underwear and everything.”

Josh’s brow shot up. “Are you wearing your nice underwear right now?”

Ryan choked on his spoon.

“I don’t believe you,” Josh continued. “Prove it.”

“Jesus,” Ryan rasped, holding his throat.

Josh grinned. “You okay?” he asked, graciously letting go of the underwear topic. “You seem to have a bit of a gag reflex problem. Probably something I should remember for later.”

“Is this part of that rambling thing you were telling me about?” Ryan asked.

“Absolutely,” Josh replied with a firm expression. Ryan almost laughed.

Conversation was as natural as rain in Europe between them. They jumped from topic to topic with ease, so seamlessly that Ryan could barely remember how they’d ended up discussing if an eggplant was a better emoji to represent a penis compared to a cucumber, and he couldn't fucking care less. It was amazing to have someone to talk about nothing with. Josh didn’t think any of Ryan’s ideas or ideals were stupid. He accepted the fact that Ryan hated voting and supported Ryan’s decision to not wash his jeans for three weeks. And Ryan completely appreciated Josh’s desire to sleep nude in the Grand Canyon one day, because that sounded like an amazingly spiritual experience and definitely not a foolproof way to get your balls stung by a scorpion. 

Before Ryan knew it, the clock struck ten pm, and Olive Garden was closing.

“We should go to a bar next time,” Josh suggested as they went back to the car. “Those places are open until two am. That’s an extra four hours, Ryan!”

“You say that like it’s a good thing,” Ryan teased as they got in the car and Josh started to drive him home. Really— Josh had asked for directions to Ryan’s house as they’d been leaving. Ryan hoped Josh wasn’t assuming he’d be invited into Ryan’s place. Ryan definitely wasn’t ready for that.

“I would eat pig slop just to get an extra ten minutes with you,” Josh said in a tone that was so sweet and sincere that Ryan was, again, bewildered. He was continuously being blindsided by how Josh was actually and genuinely interested in him, when Ryan couldn’t imagine anyone giving him the time of day anymore. Ryan was a boring box full of anxiety and badly developed coping techniques. It was hard to think that he could be seen as emotionally attractive to someone. Outwardly, Ryan knew he was pretty damn hot to a good amount of people. Ryan knew he was aesthetically pleasing. But Ryan’s insides? The gooey organs of emotion and psychosis? That was where people thought of him as ugly.

Josh had Ryan home before Ryan noticed. Ryan opened the car door for himself, but hesitated, looking to Josh for a second. Josh looked back, and Ryan was amazed that the other man looked honestly surprised Ryan hadn’t gotten out already.

“Something wrong, dude?” Josh asked with a hint of concern.

“You never got your pasta kiss…”

Josh chuckled and then shrugged. “It was really a joke, Ryan. I like Disney movies, and “Lady and the Tramp” has always been one of my favorites.”

Ryan pursed his lips. “So did you not want to kiss me?”

It was Josh’s turn to look lost. “I’m not sure how to answer that without sticking my foot in my mouth.”

“I appreciate your honesty,” Ryan said. He then leaned in, giving himself no time to chicken out, and sealed their lips together in a chaste, almost innocent kiss that didn’t last longer than three seconds, but Ryan counted those three seconds like they were the best damn thing to happen to him. He hadn’t thought he wanted to kiss Josh until he’d done it. Now he didn’t want to stop, though he knew he should. Ryan pulled away and smiled shyly before getting out of the car. 

“I’ll see you again soon?” Josh asked more than stated, leaning over the console to continue to stare at Ryan in soft awe. “You should come over for the hockey game this weekend— the Stanley cup. I can get drinks and chips and maybe Tyler will come over, and we can just chill out.”

Ryan bit his lip and considered the unpredictable danger of going over to Josh’s home for a date. “Sounds like a date,” he said anyways. The way Josh’s eyes lit up was well worth the risk.

. . .

The weekend had been five days away, but it honestly hadn’t felt like five days since Ryan had seen Josh. They texted almost constantly, and Josh had even called Ryan for a casual phone conversation the previous night as Ryan had been trying to psyche himself up towards cleaning the apartment. Josh’s call had been a welcomed invitation for procrastination, and there was still a thin sheen of dust over Ryan’s TV when Ryan grabbed his wallet and keys and left for Josh’s place. The address was already plugged into his phone, directions ready, and Ryan was wearing all black again, because he became a coward when he was nervous. 

“Glad you didn’t get lost,” Josh said as he opened the door to his place and invited Ryan inside. Ryan wasn’t surprised when a drum kit was the first thing Ryan saw upon entering, and he forced himself not to warn Josh about how dumb that was. It looked like a good kit, and was probably visible from the window— any asshole could come by and decide to steal it, since Josh lived on the first floor. “I hope you like onion dip and tacos. The fan fiction got that right about me— I have an unhealthy addiction.”

Ryan smiled a bit and sat on the sofa that Josh gestured him to to get comfortable on. The game was playing and Ryan tried to remember who was competing, but that train of thought quickly derailed when Josh sat down beside Ryan, pressed against his side, and handed him a bottle with an amber liquid. Ryan was a little scared of the drink until he saw the label read “cream soda.” Ryan glanced to Josh, who gave nothing away as he drank from a bottle of his own. “Thanks,” Ryan said softly before turning back to the screen.

As the game progressed, Ryan began to lose his sense of already nonexistent confidence. He was overthinking and spiraling; what if Josh expected more? People didn’t invite dates to their homes unless they intended to becomes lovers fairly quickly, if not immediately. Netflix and fucking Chill was a legitimate thing, and Ryan hated it. The expectation of sex was harrowing and horrible, especially since he was a guy, and guys were supposed to always be ready to have their dick out and revving to go.

What if Josh wanted that? What if Ryan was supposed to put out on this date? Technically, regardless of all of Ryan’s talk, this was their fifth fucking date. Ryan would be considered a tease if he didn’t do something, right? If he didn’t bend over or do whatever a good date was supposed to do. 

He wondered if Josh would get mad. Ryan had a plethora of failed relationships to look back on, and all of them ended over something to do with sex. People cheated on him and gave him half-assed excuses as to why they were valid in their decision to break his heart and stab him in the back. Some said it was because Ryan was inexperienced (so he’d gone and gotten as much experience as he could at the cost of his own sense of self worth), some had said he was a bad lay, some had said he was boring outside of the bedroom, and others just said he wasn’t worth it, but all of them found a way to make Ryan feel at complete fault. If only he’d been good enough with his tongue, with mapping out their bodies, with making them scream and tremble and feel alive. If only he’d been good enough…

Ryan could feel the heat radiate from Josh and felt sicker with every passing minute in the match. He didn’t know who was winning, still didn’t know who was playing. Didn’t know if Josh was watching the game or watching Ryan, expecting Ryan to be a good little boy and show his belly, spread his legs. Didn’t know if Josh was becoming increasingly annoyed with every passing moment that wasn’t spent fucking Ryan, owning him, didn’t know if Josh was mad at Ryan, but god, Ryan needed to make sure that wasn’t a possibility. What if Josh asked him to leave with no promise of seeing Ryan again because Ryan had disappointed him?

As the buzzer for halftime rang, Ryan dropped to his knees in front of Josh on the sofa and pulled Josh’s cock from his pants, taking him into his mouth and trying to pretend that the feeling of the flaccid flesh against his tongue wasn’t a death sentence for a little more of Ryan’s self respect. Josh wasn’t even hard. What if Ryan wasn’t actually all that attractive to Josh? It was all Ryan had going for himself these days. He was so fucking hopeless.

“Jesus, Ryan,” Josh breathed, sounding completely shocked, but not unhappy. “What, w-what? What’re you doing with - oh god - with your tongue?”

Josh had either never been given good head before, or he’d never been given head at all. His hips bucked upwards with little control, but Ryan easily adjusted his grip on Josh’s hips and relaxed his jaw. He’d taken larger down his throat with bruising force, had choked till he’d turned blue— Josh was easy. He ran his tongue along the vein on the underside of Josh’s cock, sucked on the head, tongued the slit, brought out every trick in the book that he knew would make Josh see stars.

The man beneath him was loud and expressive, curling his fingers in Ryan’s hair delicately, like he was scared to pull and hurt him. Ryan wanted to tell Josh that it was okay to use him and fuck his mouth raw, but that would require pulling off and making Josh mad. So Ryan flattened his hand on Josh’s thighs and looked up at him through his lashes before rhythmically lifting Josh’s hips to help the other man get a rhythm going. Josh’s eyes slid shut for a moment, looking wrecked by the invitation. Josh planted his feet and rolled his hips upwards carefully, opening his eyes again to watch Ryan, like he was scared to hurt him. 

Ryan thought that was a little ridiculous. He was doing this so Josh wouldn’t leave. He expected to get hurt.

“You’re so f-fucking good,” Josh choked out, neck flushed with the strain of pleasure. “God, baby, I-I’m not gonna last, so fucking good, so good, fuck!”

Josh came quickly with a cry, and Ryan let the bitter taste flood his mouth before he swallowed. He pulled off Josh’s cock and made to stand, to grab Josh another drink or something and use the opportunity to get his hands to stop shaking, but Josh grabbed Ryan by the back of his neck and pulled him down for a bruising kiss, and okay, that—

This…

No one had ever done this before.

Especially not another man.

No one liked to taste their genitals on someone else’s lips, boy or girl, so no one had ever kissed Ryan after he’d gone down on them. Some had politely thanked him for the favor, others had expected more, but no one had ever kissed him. Literally no one. 

He was still too shocked to speak when Josh broke the kiss and said, “Haven’t blown my load like that since first discovering porn.” The Josh reached to the front of Ryan’s pants and groped at his crotch and wait— was Josh reciprocating? Or trying to? Ryan watched the other man frown. “You’re not… Hard? What’s wrong?”

Ryan gaped like a fish.

“You’re not hard, Ryan,” Josh repeated, looking a little perturbed. “And it’s not like you jizzed your pants or anything. Did you not like that? Why would you do that if you didn’t like it? Jesus, Ryan, did you just force yourself to suck my dick?”

Ryan’s mouth opened and closed a few times as he tried to formulate an intelligent thought. Josh had kissed him after Ryan had blown him. His entire world was being thrown off its axis. He also was scared that he’d just made a huge mistake.

“Talk to me, Ryan,” Josh huffed, frowning. “I’m so freaking confused right now. This isn’t funny. Did you just make yourself suck my dick? Why would you do that to yourself? Holy shit, Ryan, do you need to talk about this? Are you okay?” He looked like he wanted to kiss Ryan again. His brow was knit together in earnest concern and he probably had a million different things to say.

Ryan started crying.

And it was fucking humiliating. He started fucking crying, these tears running down his cheeks, because what the fuck? Josh was worried? Ryan had had no idea that his actions were so transparent. It was insane to see that Josh, who had already kissed Ryan after a fucking blowjob, was now demanding about Ryan’s mental health. Jesus, why the fuck did he care so much? Ryan couldn’t handle this, so he was fucking cry, and Ryan knew he was an ugly crier.

Josh just looked to be at a complete loss.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Ryan said, using his sleeve to wipe his tears. “I, I’m a fucking mess, jesus. I’m sorry.”

“I have no idea what’s going on,” Josh said. 

“Me neither,” Ryan confessed with a shaky smile. 

Josh nodded slowly. “… Do you wanna just finish the game and talk about this later?”

Ryan nodded gratefully. Josh also nodded and sat back down in his seat, pulling Ryan down with him. Ryan ended up halfway in Josh’s lap and halfway on the couch, and it was a lot more comfortable than it sounded.

“If you get at all hard during this game, let me know so I can return the favor,” Josh said gently into Ryan’s ear. Ryan just smiled through his bemusement and finally watched the game.

. . .

“You know, there’s nothing wrong with you dating a guy,” Dan said as he pushed past Ryan to get into his apartment. “There’s no reason for you to hide this shit from me. I don’t give a shit that you’re taking it up the ass. You’ve always looked like a stubborn twink, anyways. Sure as hell dressed like a homo. What happened to telling each other the truth, Ry? Especially after Greece.” Dan sighed and went into Ryan’s fridge for the beer that Ryan kept exclusively for Dan’s visits. “I’m hurt, Ryan— I’m hurt.”

“You’ll recover,” Ryan told him with little sympathy. “I’m the one struggling with the identity crisis.”

“Wait, being gay isn’t normal for you?”

Ryan narrowed his eyes and threw one of Dot’s kibbles at Dan’s head. Dan tried to dodge, but the kibble got stuck atop Dan’s hair. Dan didn’t notice and Ryan wasn’t going to say anything.

“What’re you gonna do when you get married?” Dan asked. “Just gonna wait for me to find out? You’ve always been like this. All, sorry world— Ryan Ross out. You don’t care about social media or social shit in general. You basically act like no one cares about your stuff, so you just don’t care about showing people. Unless it’s about your dog.”

“My dog is awesome,” Ryan replied. 

“Your dog is awesome,” Dan agreed. “But sometimes I miss you, Ryan. Sometimes I want to hear from you of your own volition. Sometimes I just wanna hang out with you and shit and be friends, without any sort of necessary incentive on your part. We’re friends, Ryan. And I feel like I say this once a week. You feel me? I just don’t know how many more times I have to say this before you get it through that thick skull, so—” Dan went and stood directly in front of Ryan and reached out to hold Ryan’s cheeks in his hands. “I fucking care about you. Got it?”

Ryan snorted and smacked Dan’s hands away, but smiled all the same, shaking his head. He pulled out his phone and set a reminder to tell Dan stuff everyday at two PM and showed it to Dan. “See? I’ll remember now.”

Dan grinned. “You’re a fucking saint, you dumbass. Thank you for keeping me in your heart. I truly appreciate it. Now tell me about Josh.”

Ryan fought a blush and shrugged. “I sucked his dick.”

“That’s telling me about Josh’s dick, not about Josh. I wanna hear about Josh. Tell me about Josh, Ryan, please. I wanna know what he’s like.” Dan started to open a second beer even though he hadn’t finished the first one. “Cause look at that face, Ryan. I’ve been googling pictures of him. He’s so fucking cute, Ryan. You’ve got yourself a pretty nice boy toy there.”

“Don’t call him that,” Ryan said flippantly. 

Dan smirked at Ryan liked he’d just heard the greatest fucking secret.

“What?” Ryan demanded defensively. 

“You seem like you want a piece of that ass,” Dan simpered. “Good choice— drummers know how to bang.”

“Fuck you so fucking hard for making that joke.”

Dan cackled and drank his beer. “I’m glad you went on a date, Ryan,” he said after he’d calmed down. “It’s good for you. Sex is good for you. Orgasms are awesome and you totally need more of them in your life. I’d offer, but…” Dan shrugged. “You’re an outie, not an innie.”

Ryan made a face.

“You know,” Dan said. “Cause your dick goes out and a vagina—”

“Please shut the fuck up,” Ryan interrupted. 

“You didn’t laugh, I had to explain my joke.”

“Why are you here again?” Ryan asked, sounding like a broken record even to himself.

“I need hear about the date!” Dan huffed, throwing his free hand into the air in exasperation. “You haven’t been excited for a date in fucking years, Ryan, haven’t been this eager to go out with someone and kiss and talk and shit, and it’s a guy? A fucking dude? Also the drummer of a pretty fucking famous band, but hey, that’s just a minor detail.” Dan shook his head. “I’m just worried about you. You’ve been doing so well, and honestly, a dude is probably a good break for you since women have never worked out, but… This could go so badly too.”’

“Thanks for the faith,” Ryan sighed.

“I don’t fucking care if you’re gonna be pissed with me or not,” Dan said. “I’m just looking out for you, Ryan, like someone should. And before you say it’s because I feel like I have to, it’s not. I’m doing this cause you’re a good guy with a shitty hand in life, and I’m here to make sure you don’t make it worse.”

Ryan’s expression flattened. “Seriously,” he drawled. “Your faith in me. It’s astounding.”

“God, like I give a fuck,” Dan snorted, reaching out to tussle Ryan’s hair and fuck up Ryan’s hair. Ryan did his best to dodge and Dan’s hand ended up on Ryan’s cheek. “What the fuck, you fucker.”

“Walk Dot with me?” Ryan asked.

Dan rolled his eyes and down his beer. “Let’s fucking do it.”

. . .

Ryan opened his door at three in the morning later that night to see Josh. He blinked slowly, then silently stood back to let Josh inside. Josh didn’t look upset or anything— in fact, his chest was heaving and his face was shining with sweat as he grinned at Ryan. Josh let out this giggle and went down on the floor to coax Dot towards him and cuddle her and love the shit out of her, which Ryan appreciated. Anyone who loved his dog was worthy of Ryan’s dedication. 

“I couldn’t sleep,” Josh said as explanation for his presence. “And I wanted to see you, so I went on a run and ended up here. Did I wake you?”

One hundred percent. “No, not at all,” Ryan lied.

Josh snorted. “Dude, have you seen the time? You sure about being awake? I’m only asking to be polite, which would then lead into a profuse apology and the presentation of my gifts.”

Ryan just kinda wandered to the front door and closed it, locking it too. “What gifts?”

Josh reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a cookie he’d probably bought at some store and held it out to Ryan from the floor with a wide smile. “I got something sweet for the sweetest thing in my life.”

Ryan almost started laughing. He took the offered cookie, though, and opened it and started to nibble. It was three am and his body was starting to get hungry again. “Wanna watch a movie?” he asked. “I can put a frozen pizza in the oven or something and we can just turn the TV on and channel surf if you have nothing in mind.”

“I’m kinda tired, actually,” Josh said. “Mind if I crash on your couch?”

Ryan was surprised. “… Uh, are you sure?”

Josh nodded, looking innocent. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I mean…” Ryan faltered. “We, we’re dating. And when people date, they, like, have sex and stuff. Sleep in the same bed. So it’s totally cool if you want to sleep in the same bed as me and maybe fuck or whatever.”

“Well, considering you literally forced yourself to suck my dick the other day, I’m gonna guess that you have intimacy issues,” Josh said. “So I didn’t want to pressure you.”

“I’d kinda like to share my bed with you,” Ryan admitted a little shyly. 

“No sex,” Josh replied after a moment of thought, looking pointedly to Ryan. “That’s my one requirement, since you confessed so nicely to me. I’m only down for cuddling, got it? I want no dirty grind happening because I came to your house at three am and woke you up.”

“What if I want it to happen?” Ryan queried.

Josh snorted. “I wouldn’t believe you if you said you did. I’m serious, Ryan. No offense, but a guy who forces himself to do something sexual probably can’t be completely trusted when it comes to what he says he wants.”

“I wouldn’t trick you,” Ryan mumbled.

“I never said you would,” Josh said. “But I’m still gonna say no. Cause I’m not comfortable enough yet.” Josh smirked.”Though I really fucking did appreciate that favor you gave me. You’ve got a fucking mouth on you, Ryan, and in more ways than one.” Josh waggled his brow as he finally got up off his knees. “Where’s the bedroom?”

“Back and to the left,” Ryan replied, pointing down the hall. Josh nodded and went to Ryan’s room. Ryan double checked the locked door, turned off all the lights, then followed Josh to the bedroom. He froze in the doorway when he saw that Josh was stripping off his shirt like it was nothing. 

Ryan had seen pictures online, he knew what Josh looked like without a shirt and shit, had even felt a slight stirring in his pants once he had realized that the boy in the pictures wanted into Ryan’s pants. But seeing that photo versus seeing the actual thing had a huge difference. Josh was all hard muscle and planes of skin, toned and shining with a thin layer of sweat. Ryan kinda wished he’d been able to see the immediate aftermath of the running— the harsh panting and flushed body and the fucking sex appeal that Josh seemed to ooze even when he was tripping over a curb.

Ryan swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry.

“I’d take off my pants, but I’m not wearing underwear.”

Ryan was having heart palpitations. 

Josh looked to Ryan and waited, and Ryan’s brain struggled to catch up. He could only stare at Josh’s pectorals and marvel at the fact that he was maybe-possibly-probably allowed to actually look and take it all in and appreciate this fine ass specimen of a man. He almost wanted to reach out and touch.

Josh laughed, looking to Ryan’s waist or thereabout. Ryan looked down and saw that his hands were two steps ahead of his brain, reaching out for Josh haltingly, saying more than Ryan’s words ever could. Ryan blushed and pulled his right hand down to his side with his left, looking sheepish. But Josh didn’t seem to mind.

He widened his stance and held his arms around in an inviting gesture. “Baby, I’m all yours,” he said, waggling his brow. He then laughed, quickly losing his facade, and let his arms hang loosely at his sides. Ryan was watching everything Josh did carefully. “Ryan, seriously,” Josh said. “We’re kinda in a tentative relationship right now, and I’d honestly like to think of you as my boyfriend, so you gotta know that you’re allowed to touch, yeah?” He did this weird thing with his shoulders, and of Josh had fuller breasts, they’d probably be jiggling with the movement. “This? Totally yours right now. And touching is free.”

Ryan smiled a bit, shaking his head at how silly Josh was being, even though it really helped Ryan feel better about the needy way he’d been reaching out. “Let’s just get to bed,” he told Josh, climbing back under his covers— which were still warm— and preparing himself for a tense night of lying awake and being unable to sleep past the toned, glistening body beside him. Usually Ryan was a clean person and would want people to shower before they got all sweaty in his bed, but Ryan honestly didn’t mind this time because it was Josh.

Then Ryan felt the bed dip behind him, and suddenly Ryan started panicking a little again. He so desperately wanted to turn around and soak in some warmth, because he hadn’t been hugged in a long time and wanted that contact. But god, that was just a humiliating thing to think, let alone admit, and Ryan wasn’t about to become that much of a needy bitch of a girlfriend. Boyfriend. Whatever he was.

Josh sighed softly and didn’t say a word. 

They lied like that, and Ryan lost track of time, falling asleep only moments before the sun rose.

. . .

Ryan woke up with his head resting on Josh’s outstretched arm while Josh lied on his back, face turned towards Ryan. Ryan’s leg was hiked up on Josh’s hip, and Josh’s right arm was resting comfortable across his own stomach, hand dangerously close to Ryan’s morning wood that was pressed against Josh’s thigh. Ryan knew he should move, he should pull his hips back and get up, take care of the problem, then cook breakfast. He was sure Josh had somewhere to be, but…

Josh smacked his lips and somehow got closer to Ryan, putting the arm that had been on his stomach over Ryan’s side and pulling Ryan’s body into his, and shit, fuck, that was some fucking delicious friction for Ryan’s dick there. Ryan bit his lip and looked up at Josh through his lashes, wondering if he should wake him up. He had a momentary lapse of judgement and realized that his hip were already rocking ever so slightly, just enough to create the sound of fabric moving. Ryan quickly stilled his body and wondered if that meant he was molesting Josh in his sleep or something equally terrible.

“You’re thinking so loud,” Josh mumbled, breaking the silence and startling Ryan. “It’s like you’ve got actual gears just whirring around in your head. That’s not good for the environment, babe. Gotta bring down those C-O-2 levels.”

“Please tell me you didn’t feel me start to dry hump you in my sleep,” Ryan said, mortified. 

“Mmm, it was so good, baby,” Josh replied, grinning lazily. His eyes were still shut. “You can keep going. I totally don’t mind. I would love to see you o-face. It’s a dream of mine. A frequent wet dream.”

“And that’s my cue,” Ryan said, pulling himself out of the warmth of bed to go to the kitchen and feed Dot. The poor girl instantly perked up and started to nip at his heels, obviously starving since it had been, oh, eight hours since she last ate. And that was just a travesty of care for his poor puppy. “Don’t eat too quickly,” Ryan advised her as he set down her dish of food. Dot had a habit of eat quickly and shoving her face into her food. She sometimes got pieces of kibble stuck in her nostril, and she’d have to sneeze it out. Ryan had started to make coffee when he turned around and saw Josh wandering in, completely dressed. He looked a little dejected.

“Sorry,” was the first thing Josh said. “Didn’t mean to push my boundaries.”

Ryan was confused, until he remember what had happened literally five minutes ago. He shook his head with a laugh. “No, no, I wasn’t actually bothered,” he told Josh. “I got up because Dot needed her breakfast, that’s all. I didn’t mind…” He blushed. “W-whatever happened. Back there. I didn’t mind it.”

Josh grimaced. “Didn’t seem like you didn’t mind.”

“I’m weird and I freak out,” Ryan told him. “I’m sorry, dude. I haven’t woken up with anyone in my bed since Helena, and that ended pretty raggedly. I don’t quite remember how to be domestic yet. Plus, most girls I’ve dated haven’t appreciated being poked with a hard dick in their sleep.”

Josh finally cracked a grin— it was small, but it was present, and that mattered to Ryan. 

“I really didn’t mean to make you feel like I don’t appreciate having a smoking hot guy tell me to keep rubbing off on him,” Ryan added, approaching Josh. He ducked down a little to kiss Josh’s cheek before going back to the coffee. 

Josh was really smiling now. “You’re making coffee? Can I fumble around your kitchen and make some breakfast? What time is it?”

“Yes, yes, and ten thirty,” Ryan replied. He poured in the coffee beans and turned on the grinder. He then went to the fridge to point out all the ingredients Josh could possibly need. Ryan had gone grocery shopping and bought two of everything he would probably never need because sometimes he bought a lot of vegetables when he was feeling a little down.

Josh started cracking eggs and frying bacon and mixing waffle mix like a fucking pro, and Josh was using the waffle maker Ryan bought three months ago that he had never used. Ryan leaned against the counter and watched for a bit. He didn’t want to be noticed or caught staring, but he wanted to watch Josh a little more.

Fuck, Josh’s arms were amazing. Like, what the fuck? How did Ryan get arms like that? They weren’t anything scary or bulbous, they were just toned and strong and tan and Ryan’s mouth watered a little as he started to look past Josh’s arms to his fucking body. He couldn’t really see anything through Josh’s shirt, but he’d seen enough of it last night, felt it against his own body this morning. Ryan blushed faintly and wished he could ask for Josh to take his shirt off, but that would be way too weird, wouldn’t it? But fuck, what did Ryan have to lose?

“Can I ask a favor?” 

Josh looked to him as he closed the top of the waffle maker and started to make waffles. “What’s that?”

Ryan bit his bottom lip. “Take your shirt off?”

Josh smirked a bit. “Come again?”

“Don’t make me say it again,” Ryan huffed, looking put out.

“C’mon, babe,” Josh said. “I’m basically starved for your approval. Just tell me this one little thing? I’d really appreciate it.”

Ryan wondered if Josh was as starved for affection as Ryan was. “Please take your shirt off,” he repeated. “I kinda really liked what I saw last night, and I would fucking love to see it again. And since I’m your boyfriend, I’m thinking maybe you’d be pretty happy to let me see?”

Josh smiled, looking extremely pleased. He stepped back and didn’t hesitate in tugging his shirt off from over his head and tossing it aside like he didn’t give a fuck. Ryan didn’t give a fuck either.

“This what you wanted?” Josh asked, smirking, folding his fingers behind his head and flexing. 

Ryan just smirked back and shrugged. He went back to the coffee machine, pretending to be very interested in watching it drip. 

“No, Ryan,” Josh whined from behind. Ryan heard footsteps and then there were too strong, fucking amazing arms wrapped around his waist and a firm body pressed to his back and maybe the smallest hint of a curve of a dick against Ryan’s lower backside, and okay, holy fucking fuck, Ryan could definitely get used to this. “C’mon, don’t deny me these sexy moments. Don’t tease.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. But then he braced himself against the counter and rolled his hips back into Josh’s crotch with sinful intent, reaching back to make sure Josh didn’t move away so Josh’s dick was trapped against Ryan’s ass. He felt the hot air of Josh’s gasp ghost his neck and chuckled, reaching down with his other hand to hold onto the arm Josh had wrapped around Ryan’s torso. “How’s that for being a tease?” Ryan asked in a low voice, using his peripherals to see Josh’ expression. But Josh’s face was pressed into Ryan’s back, so Ryan couldn’t see him.

“I think you’re gonna be the death of me,” Josh said. Then Josh pulled away. 

Ryan faltered and turned around. “Where are you…” He trailed off, not at all wanting to sound needy.

“You’ve got intimacy issues, Ryan,” Josh said, sounding more than a little regretful. “I don’t want to add to that list, Ryan. As much as I would fucking love to get to know you like that, I’m gonna pull the adult card and say that we need to wait. Randomly doing the hanky panky in the kitchen just isn’t the sort of constructive intimacy I think you need.”

“You’re making this so complicated,” Ryan told him. “It doesn’t have to be so hard.”

Josh smirked and made a show of adjusting himself in the front of his pants. “It already is hard.”

Ryan groaned and rolled his eyes again. The coffee maker dinged and Josh’s waffles were burning. Ryan would always look back on this morning fondly.

. . .

The thing about dating Josh Dun was that Josh Dun and Tyler Joseph were basically a pair. Ryan felt like he was extremely lucky to have appealed to Josh Dun. He knew it was physically impossible for him to be considered acceptable to Tyler Joseph. That just…

Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun were good Christian boys, whilst Ryan hadn’t felt any sort of hope for the future since he was a little kid and his mom walked out the door without a word said to him. Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun inspired people and taught them to always fight and love and be your best and achieve your dreams; that it was okay to be sad sometimes, but to never let it drag you down. Ryan couldn’t get out of bed most mornings and never cared either way. He was basically the opposite of what Tyler and Josh stood for. Tyler and Josh wanted people to get up and live and be who they were meant to be. Ryan had tried that and didn’t care anymore. He was lucky that Josh liked him— the idea of Tyler liking him too was an impossibility.

That being said, Ryan was so fucking nervous, standing outside of Josh’s apartment in his Sunday best, wearing the nicest clothes he hadn’t seen in years, and wondering if he was allowed to curse at all tonight. He had flowers and had bought a bottle of really awesome cider, Martinelli’s sparkling cider, to be exact, and Ryan really liked this stuff because he could trick his friends into thinking he was drinking wine instead when they were drunk enough.

Ryan steeled his jaw and knocked and prayed that the worst thing he could imagine would only be the worst to happen. The world had proved itself to be a lot more creative than Ryan. He waited with baited breath for the door open, but Ryan sure as hell wasn’t ready when the door actually did open and Josh wasn’t the one behind it.

And see, Tyler Joseph wasn’t a threatening person. If anything, he was actually unintimidating. He was smaller than Ryan by an inch or so, pale and scrawny and skinny, but then again, Ryan was pale and scrawny and skinny. Skinnier, if anything. Ryan was sure that any punch Tyler could throw would make at least one of Ryan’s bones just from how fucking weak Ryan was, and how sometimes drinking milk made his stomach churn because he had too much anxiety to handle heavy foods. 

God, Ryan was a pussy.

“Hello,” Tyler said, and honestly, “hello” was the most unwelcoming of all the welcoming statements. “Josh has talked about you a lot.” Tyler wasn’t letting Ryan into the apartment. Oh good god, this was going terribly. “Course, I’ve heard a lot about you from basically everyone. Including Brendon.”

Ryan would’ve gotten paler if he could. His heart lurched painfully and his hands started to shake. Ryan hated to say he had a trigger word, but Brendon was just that. A fucking trigger word. Say Brendon’s name, and Ryan would lose himself in the wake of everything awful. “I-I’ve gotta go,” Ryan stammered, taking a few steps back, fully intending on leaving because the world was definitely a lot more creative and was already threatening Ryan with a panic attack.

But then he heard Josh’s voice.

“What are you doing, Tyler?” Josh demanded, pushing his way into Ryan’s line of sight with a bright smile. But his smile faded when he saw Ryan, a common thing to happen that Ryan was now very used to. “Shit, Ry, are you sick?” Josh asked, striding forward and resting the back of his hand against Ryan’s forehead. “Huh. You don’t feel warm.” He took notice of what was occupying Ryan’s hands. “Holy shit, flowers?” Josh giggled. “God, you seem so nervous. Don’t be, okay? We’re just gonna watch some game and eat an awesome dinner, prepared by yours truly with the help of google.”

Ryan shuddered. “I-I’d like that,” he forced himself to say. He didn’t have much else that he could say, anyways. Tyler was still staring at him like he was a puzzle Tyler would rather burn than solve. Josh pulled Ryan inside despite Tyler’s tiny eye, and Ryan couldn’t help but relax when Josh rested his hand on Ryan’s hip and kissed the edge of Ryan’s jaw. 

“God, I’m excited for this,” Josh said. “If you have any critiques about the sauce for the pasta you’re about to eat tonight, talk to Jenny Craig, not me.”

“You’re using Bertolli,” Tyler told Josh with a grin. “You know, the stuff that your mom used to swear by? Such a terrible son, Joshy. Your ancestors would be so disappointed in you.”

“Says the man that had to talk about his heritage in class and said ‘lesbian’ instead of ‘Lebanese,’” Josh shot back, also grinning. Ryan really enjoyed the easy camaraderie between the two men. It made him miss what he had with Spencer, where he’d known someone long enough to know all of their most embarrassing moments. Ryan knew that Josh and Tyler hadn’t been friends as long as Ryan and Spencer had been, but they could’ve fooled him. They could’ve fooled anyone. Tyler and Josh acted like they’d known each other for lifetimes that had been spent at each other’s side.

Ryan envied them.

“Why don’t you guys go sit down and I’ll bring the food,” Josh suggested. “I’ve got the table set already.”

“Aren’t you the responsible one?” Tyler teased, moving to sit as requested. Tyler eyed Ryan as Ryan sat down across the table from him, and Ryan tensed. “So, Ryan,” Tyler began, looking ready to drop some sort of bombshell as he brought his elbows up to rest on the table. “I’m sure you can assume what I’ve heard from the media and Brendon, but I don’t know all that much about you as a person, so why not help me out and tell me a thing or two?”

Ryan scratched the back of his neck and tried not to show how nervous he was. “Well, uh, I, I’m living in Venice Beach. I like watching movies with my friends. I don’t drink anymore, I love hockey, I go boxing, and…” He bit his lip. “I have plants and I named all of them.”

Tyler looked surprised, obviously having never expected that. “What’re their names?”

“Margarine, Gregory, Sasha, and Bill,” Ryan responded easily. He had legitimately named them that. “Marge is a Yucca plant, like her sister, Sasha. Gregory is a Mass Cane, and Bull is a peace lily.”

“What’s a Mass Cane?” Josh asked from the kitchen, appearing genuinely interested while Tyler looked bewildered.

“It’s a floor plant,” Ryan said. “They’re also called Corn Plants or Dracaena Massangeana. They sit in pots on the floor. But Bill has to be my favorite.”

Josh giggled. “You have a favorite?”

Ryan nodded. “Don’t tell the others,” he said, playing along. It made Josh smile wider when Ryan used his usually deadpanned sarcasm to carry jokes along. “They can get pretty jealous. Especially Sasha. She’s got separation issues ever since Dot pissed on her while I was grocery shopping.”

Josh laughed and Tyler continued to look very shocked by the words out of Ryan’s mouth.

“Really, though?” Tyler asked after Josh was done laughing. “Plants?”

Ryan nodded, wilting a little. The joy he’d felt in making Josh laugh with his dumb joke about the plants was dissipating. He didn’t want to be criticized by Tyler over his therapy homework.

But Tyler was smiling a little. “Never thought the guy Brendon told me about would be taking care of houseplants.”

Ryan smiled tightly. “I’ve come a long way,” he said. “Brendon doesn’t know me very well. Not anymore.”

Tyler shrugged. “I’m hungry, Josh. Do your job, lovely housewife.”

“Yes, my dear husband,” Josh snorted, serving the food. Ryan’s mouth watered a little, and as they all began to eat conversation flowed more easily. Ryan found himself talking about all the same random shit that Tyler and Josh brought up. He wished he could talk with Spencer again, but he had a feeling that the conversation wouldn’t be this nice.

Before he realized, Tyler was standing and saying he had to go. “I think you’re pretty great,” Tyler told Ryan as he bid him goodnight. “And honestly? I’m probably gonna have a few questions for Brendon when I see him again.” Ryan tried to hide his full body flinch. “Stories are always one-sided and stuff. You never know what’s true.” Tyler smiled widely. “It was awesome meeting you. Don’t hurt Josh, or I’ll be that stereotypical best friend and make empty threats that you don’t want to make legitimate.”

Ryan just laughed awkwardly and tried not to show that he was actually a little afraid of an empty threat from Tyler Joseph, because he was basically afraid of everything these days. He was a dumb, fragile idiot. 

Josh closed the door behind Tyler and smiled widely at Ryan. “Dude,” he said. “That went so fucking well.”

“Did it?” 

Josh nodded and moved to Ryan, wrapping his arm around Ryan’s waist and kissing him gently. “Fuck yeah it did, baby. God, that went so well. I mean, I was a little nervous, you know? I was worried Tyler was gonna be weird about this, since we’ve heard stuff and the internet and Bren—”

“Fuck, s-stop saying his name,” Ryan interrupted. It literally made his stomach churn. Josh’s face fell and he looked concerned. Ryan was upset with himself for ruining Josh’s successful feeling over the night. He kinda wished he could go back and contain his little freak out. Ryan liked to think he wasn’t an expressive person these days, but he apparently had a lot less control than he’d thought. “Sorry. Sorry. Just, it’s hard. Some days. To hear his name.”

“Was it that bad?” Josh asked softly.

Ryan shrugged. “I mean, not at first. I had my reasons for leaving, and some of them were because of him, but I’d known it was the right thing to do. It was mostly after. W-when he started either denying my existence or… Or calling me a faggot to fans. Making fun of my music on live feed. It, it got brutal, Josh. And I honestly didn’t want to defend myself because I knew that I would only be making things worse.”

Josh grimaced. “So it was that bad.”

“It got pretty bad,” Ryan sighed. “I mean, the breakup was bad, too, don’t get me wrong. Everything was just…bad.”

“Musical differences, right?”

Ryan shrugged, not wanting to say much. “Sure. The hard part was finding out that Brendon and Spencer and Pete had been working on an album behind my back the whole time. I just kinda…threw my hands in the air at that point. I was pretty, uh. betrayed. My best friend, ex, and hero, all going behind my back. Didn’t even credit me for a song on there until, like a year or so ago.” He sighed. “Look, I warned you of the baggage, and I fucking meant it, Josh. I’ve got, like, ninety-nine problems and all of them keep me up at night.”

Josh nodded and rubbed Ryan’s side. “Wanna stay the night?”

“Should I suck your dick again?” Ryan asked jokingly. He got a smile out of Josh with that and it made him feel pretty accomplished. “I totally can, Joshy. I would love to make up for ruining this night with my dumb problems.”

“Your problems aren’t dumb,” Josh said, running his fingertips up and down the side of Ryan’s arm. “C’mon. Let’s get some rest, yeah? Let’s just go lie down and watch some Netflix.”

Ryan gasped. “You totally want me to suck your dick.”

Josh just laughed. 

. . .

Ryan woke up again with his hard-on pressed against Josh’s strong thigh and sighed, a little disappointed with himself. He was fucking thirty. He should have a lot more self control than that, or at least a waning libido. Hard-ons in the middle of the night was a twenty-year-old Ryan thing, not thirty-year-old Ryan. 

He groaned softly when Josh shifted and the friction made his heart race.

“God, you’re so fucking cute when you’re just waking up,” Josh murmured, voice laden with sleep and jagged at the edges. Ryan’s heart sunk a little and he was fucking humiliated again. “You want me to help you handle that or should I take a well timed shower and leave you some lotion? It’s in the drawer, actually.”

“I’d rather not do either,” Ryan sighed. He stood and looked around, spotting the bathroom and heading to it.

“Hey, babe, wait.” Ryan looked back to the bed where Josh was laying with his limbs splayed out like a starfish. “I know you don’t want to let me help you,” Josh began, grinning sleepily. _“But it’s better if you do.”_

Ryan remained expressionless. “I cannot tell you how many times someone’s used that on me. And let me just say, I’m a little weirded out that you’ve listened to that album.”

“Dude, literally everyone in this part of the music scene had a Panic! at the Disco phase in the mid-two-thousands,” Josh laughed. “I had the fucking album. I knew every word to every song and I actually tried to pick up a girl using those “Lying” lyrics the first time I’d ever had alcohol. It was a great night, Ryan, I promise. Your music almost got me laid.”

Ryan squinted. “Wouldn’t you have been, like seventeen when that album came out?” Josh nodded and Ryan let out this little noise. “Is it weird to be dating a thirty year old?” he asked next.

Josh snorted. “I’m twenty seven, dude. I’m not some little kid. You’ve only got, like, three years on me. It’s chill.”

“God, I’m old,” Ryan sighed, looking in the bathroom mirror to see if he had more wrinkles than he had yesterday. “Oh, I’m like the crypt keeper!” he wailed, reminiscent of that Lindsey Lohan movie. Ryan reached back and grabbed his ass with a dramatic gasp, looking to Josh with an expression of melodramatic horror. Josh laughed and flopped back onto his pillow. 

“God, Ryan, I don’t want to do anything except lie in bed with you,” Josh admitted, an arm thrown over his eyes. 

“I’ve got to go to Dan and Jeremy,” Ryan told him a bit reluctantly. 

“I should meet your friends,” Josh said. “You’ve met mine. I need to meet yours. I’m not exactly at the point of forcing you to meet my parents and you don’t really have any parents for me to meet, so friends are definitely the next best bet.” Josh paused. “Unless you’re not comfortable with that. Which is totally okay.”

“Nah, you should meet them,” Ryan said. “Dan has said he’s pretty okay with you, I think. He was mostly just excited for the date. I honestly don’t know, dude, but honestly? Like, even if they didn’t like you, I’d stay with you. I kinda learned a while ago that listening to others isn’t always the best idea.”

“I’d still like them to like me,” Josh said. “You should give me a call once you’re done today.”

Ryan smirked at him as he started to gather his clothes and get dressed again. “Can’t go long without me, can you?” he teased.

“No,” Josh responded sincerely. “I honestly can’t.”

Ryan nearly tripped into his pants and tried not to read into that. His cheeks were tinged red. “I’ll text you later,” he said, as he went to the bedroom door. “Have a good day, Josh.” He left before he could hear the response, fight or flight hitting him like a fucking brick.

. . .

“I don’t see what the problem is,” Jeremy said from where he was leaning against the railing of the Griffith Observatory with Ryan. Dan had intended for them to hike to the Hollywood sign and have some sort of lame picnic with leftover pizza, but Dan had forgotten that it was the weekend and the place was fucking swamped. They’d compromised and parked far enough away from the observatory to pretend that they’d exerted themselves enough on the walk up. “Josh Dun isn’t in the news for drugs or shit. He doesn’t dress like Miley Cyrus and he doesn’t drink, from what you’ve told me. He’s a good guy. Why are you freaking out?”

“I’m not freaking out,” Ryan huffed. “I just… It’s only been, like two months. More than two months. Is that too soon?”

“Too soon for what?” Dan asked as he came up with ice cream bars he’d bought from the cafe. Ryan and Jeremy each took one and Dan happily ate what he was left with. 

“Too soon for me to start liking Josh,” Ryan said. “Like, really liking him. That stupid ‘like-like’ crush kids get in elementary school, where they wanna hold hands and hug each other in the hallways and spend half the fucking year planning for Valentine’s day.”

“Oh my god, please tell me you did that,” Dan chortled.

“Hey now, let’s not mock Ryan in his time of vulnerability,” Jeremy said. “We should support him. Be his bros. Give awesome advice and become gurus.”

“Love gurus,” Dan agreed.

“Fuck you both,” Ryan deadpanned. “Should I break up with him?”

Jeremy and Dan both gaped at him.

“Are you fucking insane?!” Dan demanded, almost shouting and not giving a shit about the stares he earned. “You don’t sell your best horse just because you’re worried it might get hurt in a pony show! You fucking dress it up and spoil it more! You put bows in its hair and get its mane clipped! You fucking fucker, I can’t fucking believe you just suggested that!”

“I gotta agree with Dan’s dumbass metaphor,” Jeremy said. “Ryan? You’re fucking stupid.”

“A simple yes or no would have sufficed,” Ryan grumbled.

“No!” Dan huffed. “No, it wouldn’t have sufficed! Because it wouldn’t have adequately conveyed how fucking pissed I am with you for even suggesting something so stupid and self-destructive! You’re such a fucking coward, Ryan, running away from the good things! Just because nearly everyone person you’ve ever been with has cheated on you doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give Josh a shot!”

Jeremy’s mouth made a gentle “o” shape. “Oh,” he said. “Wait, I forgot about part. The cheating.” He looked to Ryan sympathetically. “I’m not actually mad anymore cause I just remembered that you have a really good reason to want to avoid relationships and intimate affection. But I still think you should give Josh a chance.”

“And fall back into that dumb cycle of opening myself up to people who are just gonna shit all over me and everything I love,” Ryan sighed. “I know it’s fucking dumb and stereotypical to be all ‘I have to protect myself and build walls and blah blah blah,’ but guys. I’ve been cheated on, like, four times or something. More. I don’t even know. I mean, I’m thirty! Maybe I should just quit while I’m not currently heartbroken and pulling a knife from my back. I can be a hermit or something. Celibate. Masturbation isn’t necessarily the worst thing to happen to a guy like me.”

“You’re making me sad,” Dan said with a snicker. He tossed away the wooden stick that held had held his treat. “Dude, just, fuck it all. Okay? Fuck that shit, fuck those people, and fuck being alone. I like Josh. You like Josh. Josh likes you. I’m pretty sure that’s an all go.”

“Why are you included in the relationship?” Jeremy asked. “I should be in there if you are.”

“Jeremy likes Josh,” Dan added to appease him. Jeremy looked pleased and Ryan rolled his eyes. “Honestly, Ry?” Dan continued. “You just seem like you’re looking for excuses. So either do something about it, or don’t.”

Ryan groaned and watched his ice cream melt all over his hand. “I’m being fucking dumb, aren’t I?”

“The dumbest,” Jeremy affirmed.

. . .

Ryan was at the beach when he ran into Brendon. It was basically as awful as he’d imagined it could be. He’d been walking Dot along the sidewalk, enjoying the sun and losing track of the time. It was past lunchtime without him having eaten a damn thing, and he was perfectly content. Then he’d heard that fucking melodic tremor, a voice he knew better than his own, and suddenly it felt like the world had frozen over.

A dog bounded up to Dot, a little terrier with crazy eyes and a crazy tail. Ryan recognized the dog, too, and felt a little dizzy as he braced himself for what was about to happen.

“Bogart, Bogart, hey!” a voice called out. Ryan’s head whipped up and he stared as Josh came running up to him with Brendon and another guy right behind him. Ryan wasn’t sure if he was relieved to see Josh or if he was about to fucking keel over.

“Oh my god, Ryan?” Josh asked, his face lighting up in a tentative smile that slowly gained strength. “Ryan! Holy shit, hey!” He apparently forgot all about Bogart and ran past the dog, up to Ryan, wrapping his arms around Ryan’s waist and kissing him without any sort of hesitation or thought. Ryan was stiff as a board against him, not able to kiss back. Josh pulled away with a frown. “What’s wrong?” he asked softly

“… Josh?”

Josh froze when he heard Brendon behind him, realization crashing over him like a tidal wave. “Oh shit,” Josh breathed. “Baby, I… I’m sorry. Holy shit, fuck. Fuck, I’m sorry.” Josh held Ryan’s face in his hands as he babbled apologies and expletives. Ryan had never heard Josh curse like this, but he felt like it was appropriate.

“Josh, what the fuck is this?” Brendon asked. Ryan looked over Josh’s shoulder and saw that while Brendon didn’t look disgusted or anything, he just looked really fucking confused. Ryan lifted his hand and clung to the front of Josh’s chest, breathing shallowly. 

“Josh, this isn’t good,” Ryan said, feeling like he had to state the obvious. “Fuck, why did you kiss me in public? What are you doing? You can’t come out…”

“Oh my god, Brendon’s gonna have so many dumb questions,” Josh groaned. Ryan gaped and couldn’t believe that Brendon being witness to this was at the forefront of Josh’s mind. Didn’t he have any idea what would happen to Twenty-One Pilot’s image should people find out Josh was in a homosexual relationship with the ex-guitarist of Panic! at the fucking Disco? It’d be a media shit storm.

“Josh, I’m fucking serious,” Brendon said, reaching out and pulling Josh away from Ryan by his shoulder. He stared at Ryan for a long time, like he couldn’t believe he was seeing him in person. “You just - fuck, are you and Ryan, like, a thing? Or something? Josh, what the hell? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Brendon, this is not the time or place,” Josh said, sounding a little shaky. “I know you probably think this is fucking crazy, a-and it is? A little bit. Ryan and I…” Josh looked to Ryan and his gaze softened. “We met at a party, Brendon. And he’s pretty fucking sweet. I asked him out and we’re still going out, and that’s all this is.”

“You’re dating my ex?” Brendon demanded, sounding incredulous. “Isn’t that against the bro code?”

“I need to take Dot home,” Ryan said.

“Hey, I’ll go with you!” Josh exclaimed, excitement slamming onto his face like a mask. “We’ve got to watch that new show, anyways. _Stranger Things_ , right? Dude, that show looks like the fucking bomb, I’ve been waiting to watch it with you. Tyler keeps trying to get me to watch with him, but I wouldn’t ever betray you.”

Brendon stared at them with his brow furrowed while Josh kissed Ryan again. Ryan was finding it hard to focus on how fucking freaked out his was with how Josh wouldn't stop touching him. He felt more grounded when Josh had a hand around his hip than he would at home. He could look Brendon in the eye with Josh by his side. 

“Seeya later, B,” Josh said, grinning. “I’ll meet you for lunch tomorrow or something. Ryan and I have a TV date tonight.” He looked to Ryan. “Wanna get fried chicken or something? You’ve yet to see how gross I am when I eat greasy food. Wanna get KFC or Safeway or something?”

“I don’t care as long as we get steak fries,” Ryan said, deciding to just straight up ignore Brendon like Josh seemed to be. Josh took his hand and led Ryan away, with Dot walking ahead, and Brendon behind them.

. . .

“You handled that well,” Josh murmured as they watched Nancy’s Mom be a total shit-head. “I was kinda worried you’d, like break down and have a hysterical freak out if you saw him. But you did really well.”

“I’m not that crazy,” Ryan snorted as he licked the grease from his fingers. Josh watched his pink tongue and Ryan smirked, feeling pretty confident that Josh was genuinely attracted to him. He kinda wanted to be a tease, so he popped an entire, long finger into his mouth and drew it back out slowly with a pop. Josh’s eyes darkened and he was left staring at Ryan’s lips. “You’re such a dork,” Ryan chuckled. “I’ve offered to suck you off again.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Josh breathed, looking back to the TV. “I’m really proud of you for how well you handled Brendon. Like, I know I don’t know a damn thing about what happened, so I don’t have the right to say much on the subject, but I think you’re pretty brave. Or, whatever you have to be to not have a panic attack.”

Ryan just shrugged. “This show has awesome parents and terrible parents. Which is the truth, Joshy?”

Josh smirked a bit. “… Should I stop being friends with him?”

“Absolutely not,” Ryan responded softly as he realized Josh didn’t want to change the subject. “You enjoy his company. If this were the same Brendon of 2008 or 2011, then maybe I’d suggest you drop him. But he’s grown a lot, I think. I’m not sure, to tell you the truth. But you’ve been friends with him for a while. I’m not going to get in the way of that.”

“You’re way too nice to people,” Josh chuckled.

Ryan bit his lip. “… Did you mean to do that?” he asked.

“Do what?”

“Kiss me in front of him. In public. I mean, have you talked to Tyler about the dangers of you coming out? Have you considered what could happen if people find out you’re gay? And with me, of all people? The media would slaughter you guys. Coming out as gay or bi is damning these days regardless of how accepted it is. At least it is when you’re famous. People will accuse of you coming out for attention. Everyone will be after you, especially the gay community. They’re fucking ruthless. All of them are, gay or straight or fucking whatever. It’s insane, Joshy. It…it isn’t worth it.”

Josh frowned a bit. “Are you saying coming out isn’t worth it, or you’re not worth it?”

Ryan winced. “I, uh, I’m not sure?”

“Cause I think you’re worth the risk,” Josh said. “I’ll just say I’m bi or whatever. That goes well for girls and stuff.”

“Not for guys,” Ryan sighed. “People are really against guys being bisexual. Like, they don’t even consider it as valid half the time. It’s a little fucked up, you know? I don’t want you to have to deal with that shit.”

“It went fine for Billy Joe,” Josh reasoned.

Ryan snorted. “No offense, hero, but you don’t exactly have the hardcore, punk rock thing down like Billie Joe. People didn’t mess with him because they knew it’d be no skin off his back. But you? You guys play music about thinking too much and being sensitive. I fucking love that music, but it isn’t anything like, say, Viva la Gloria. Or whatever. Armstrong is able to scare the shit out of people with just a look, regardless of how short he is. You’ve got the brawn, Joshy, but you definitely don’t give people the idea that you’ve got the, uh… mental strength.”

Josh hummed and pressed his nose into Ryan’s neck and just breathed. “Baby, you’re so cute. You totally don’t believe in me, but that’s all good. I don’t mind. I think I can come out. I can handle whatever the hell those bastards throw at me. And I’ll do it with awesome hair, flowing in the breeze the whole time and shining pectorals.”

“You’re so fucking gay,” Ryan groaned. 

Josh smiled and kissed at Ryan’s pulse, pulling Ryan closer to his chest. Ryan’s eyes fluttered shut as Josh continued to kiss gently at his skin. He wasn’t watching the show anymore, and he was sure Josh wasn’t paying attention either. Josh’s lips were warm against his neck and Ryan leaned into the touch. He relaxed as Josh pushed him back onto the couch, making him lie on his back. He didn’t panic when Josh straddle this waist and loomed over him, still kissing Ryan’s neck. 

Josh’s hands slid up the inside of Ryan’s shirt. His fingertips were cold and Ryan shuddered, opening his eyes to stare up at the ceiling. Josh’s thumbs caught on his nipples and Ryan sighed. “Fuck, Josh,” he breathed. curling his fingers in Josh’s hair. He felt Josh smile against his skin and smirked back. “Don’t be so fucking proud…”

“Oh yeah?” Josh murmured, before finding one of those little nubs of flesh again and pinching. Ryan gasped and his hips rolled upwards against Josh’s. He was dimly surprised when he felt something hard against his own leg and groaned a bit.

“Are you…?”

Josh nodded and sucked on Ryan’s collarbone. “Yeah, I am,” he breathed, the warm breath raising gooseflesh along Ryan’s skin. “Can I…”

Ryan shuddered and shut his eyes again. “Can you what?”

Josh pulled away from Ryan’s neck. Ryan opened his eyes again and saw Josh was biting his lip. “I just…god, Ryan, you’re so fucking good to me, you know that, right? You laugh at my jokes and you don’t complain when I get clingy and want to be around you all the time. You buy dinner half the time and don’t ask for gas money and you’re just…” realization dawned on his face in the way of a bright grin. “My partner.”

Ryan smiled a bit. “Partner, huh?”

Josh nodded. “You don’t make me take care of everything on my own, like most girls do. The only girls I’ve ever been with. It’s equal between us. Fuck, we could share a bank account and I wouldn’t be worried cause I know you’d be paying for half and I’d pay for the rest. You don’t need me for money and you’ve got your head on your shoulders pretty tightly despite all that baggage you say you have. And god, Ryan, I just really like you. And I wanna make you know I like you.”

Ryan frowned in confused. “Make me know?”

Josh nodded, moving his hand down to Ryan’s thigh and rubbing gently. Ryan didn’t catch up for a long moment until Josh’s hand slid more into Ryan’s inner thigh than outer. 

“Oh,” Ryan breathed, eyes going wide. “F-fuck, I mean-” He looked away. “I trust you, Joshy.”

“Holy shit, really?” Josh asked, grinning. “Baby, really? I-I mean, I don’t know what the fuck that I’m doing, but I definitely know what I can do. It’s gonna be super easy, I promise.”

“Jesus, you don’t have to narrate,” Ryan said. “Just, just do it.”

Josh nodded and bent down to kiss Ryan, stealing his breath away so simply. Ryan kissed him back, meeting Josh’s movements and tried to match. He accidentally let out a stupid noise when Josh slipped his tongue inside and tried not to make a complete fool of himself when Josh’s hips press gently against his own. 

“Shit,” Josh murmured, brow furrowing. When Ryan made a noise of question, Josh explained, “this… feels way better than it normally does. Like, fuck.” Josh shifted his hips, biting his lower lip again. His brow furrowed and he looked to Ryan with an expression of blurry confusion. “Holy shit,” he breathed. “Why does your dick feel good?”

“Have you really never dry humped someone?” Ryan asked breathlessly. Josh pouted a little and shook his head. “What the fuck, you never lived,” Ryan said, chuckling softly. He grabbed Josh’s hips and planted his feet on the sofa cushions, rolling upwards with his thigh slotted between Josh’s legs. Josh gasped and continued to look so fucking confused, like he didn't understand what he was feeling. “God, Joshy, you’re so fucking cute when you’re like this,” Ryan said before he grabbed Josh by the back of his neck and worked his knees to flip them over. He braced himself above Josh and fit their hips together again, rocking against Josh and watching the way Josh basically lost control of his facial muscles.

“Fuck, Josh,” Ryan breathed, working his hips a little faster as Josh arched his back and struggled to meet Ryan’s pace. Ryan smiled and leaned down to kiss him again, letting Josh set the pace, even though he couldn’t keep much of a rhythm. Josh was a fucking mess, grinding against Ryan’s leg and whining in the back of his throat. Ryan listened to his sounds get more and more strained, like he couldn’t breathe.

“God, Ryan, Ryan,” Josh wheezed. “I’m gonna—” Josh cut himself off with this strangled noise that Ryan almost thought was a bad thing, like he’d swallowed his tongue or something. Josh's entire body bowed off the couch and he stayed that way, suspended, for a long moment before he dropped back onto the couch, gasping for breath.

Ryan was a little in awe. “When was the last time you got off, dude?” he asked with a chuckle. “God, you’re acting like it’s been years.”

Josh just shuddered and reached up to hold Ryan’s face in his hands, lifting himself up to kiss Ryan sweetly. “Haven’t gotten off with another person since Debby,” he murmured, grinning almost shyly. “Is that, like, bad? Should I be more embarrassed?”

“No, hero, you’re perfect,” Ryan hummed. 

Josh looked down between their bodies and frowned. “So,” he sighed. “Have I not only made a mess in my fucking jeans like a teenager, but you didn’t get off. Do I suck?”

“I wish you sucked,” Ryan teased. Josh sent him a look of fond exasperation. 

“Ryan, I’m serious,” Josh pressed. “Like, I’ve gotten off twice in this relationship, and you haven’t once. Again, I realize you have intimacy issues, but are you afraid of me? Of me touching you? Do you think you won’t look good or something? Do you have a weird o-face? I totally don’t care about any of those, I just kinda wanna get your dick.” Josh laughed a little. “Man, I’m supposed to be straight, you know. But I want your dick.”

“Jesus,” Ryan wheezed through laughter. “Joshy, Joshy, it’s okay. I-I’m good, actually. I just kinda lost focus on myself. Got a little caught up in you and just… didn’t need it anymore.”

“Oh my god, did I make your dick flaccid?” Josh asked, wincing. “Crap. Could’ve sworn I was a little better than that.”

“You’re perfect,” Ryan assured him. “I just got so obsessed with you. It’s really not your fault, Josh, I just wanted to see you get the pleasure and that was all I needed.” He knew that was really weird in sex, especially for a guy, but he didn’t care. Ryan leaned down to kiss his jaw tangling his hands in Josh’s hair because his hair was so soft. “I am so fucking content right now. You didn’t have to do a thing except enjoy it.”

Josh reached up and ran his own fingers through Ryan’s hair. Then he tugged on a strand, a little demanding. “You gotta let me make you cum, dude. Like, I feel like I’m a jerk for not reciprocating. This is a partnership, Ryan, not me being serviced by you without any sort of fair exchange.” Josh bit his lip. “I-I need to give you the same you give me.”

Ryan paused, watching Josh’s expression for clues as to what he was feeling. Ryan mostly assumed that Josh just wanted to feel like he was putting in the same effort, that he was showing Ryan how much he wanted him just like Ryan was doing. Josh seemed a little more, uh naive, when it came to sex, from what Ryan could tell. Especially when it came to being with men. He almost wanted to recommend that Josh read some porn, just so he could grow accustom to the concept of gay sex. 

“You should probably watch porn or something to know what sex between two guys is like,” Ryan stated, deciding it was solid advice.

Josh snorted and rolled his eyes. “Excuse me, Ryan, but I’ll have you know that I’ve read the milk fic.”

Ryan’s expression flattened. “Fuck off.”

Josh laughed and lifted himself up to kiss Ryan. “God, I love being beneath you. Does that mean something? I feel like it definitely means something, concerning our sex life.” He hummed and rested his hands on Ryan’s chest. “You and I have something good here, Ryan. Don’t let me ruin it by never touching your dick.”

Ryan sighed. “Hey, uh…we really should talk about what happened today, though.”

“I’ve told you I was proud of you…”

Ryan shook his head. “Are you…do you ever want to come out? As gay? Or in a gay relationship? And like, a step further— do you wanna come out as dating me?”

Josh blinked owlishly. “… Do _you_ want to come out?”

Fuck, Ryan wished he hadn’t asked that. It immediately showed on his face how nervous he was about the idea. Josh grimaced like he understood what Ryan was going to say before Ryan could get it out. “Brendon and I,” Ryan began, trying to keep his voice from wavering. He wanted to sound like he knew what he was talking about. “We fought a lot about coming out. He would suggest it, I’d give the reasons why we can’t, and then we’d switch, like, the very next week. We could never agree on what was best for us. We knew that we couldn’t come out. Too many fans had shoved it in the faces of other fans that we knew there’d be too many negative reactions. And Pete was saying we shouldn’t and Spencer was saying we shouldn’t and everyone was saying we shouldn’t…” He sighed.

“Sometimes, I look back and wish we had come out. Because it probably would’ve solved a lot of problems. Would’ve made me seem like less of a coward. Maybe Brendon wouldn’t have cheated? Maybe I would’ve been more insistent on us compromising on the music? I don’t know. Maybe it would’ve made it worse. I don’t… I’ve spent years thinking about this. I’ve got nothing.”

He sat back and looked to Josh. “But I do know it’s a serious risk to your band if you come out, especially with someone like me. You guys are known for being good dudes and controlled and shit. You’re good people. Fuck, you guys are one lyric away from being labelled a Christian band. If you come out as gay, it’ll really mess up your image. Most fans are also really fucking weird? Like, they’re preach acceptance of homosexuals and stuff, but half of those people turn against someone famous when they come out as gay. They think it’s done for attention. They think it’s a joke or belittling to the gay people they know. And it’s fucked up, Joshy, and definitely not something you deserve, alright? They’re all a bunch of fucking bullies.”

“Are you sure?” Josh asked. “I mean, our fans are pretty great…”

“People will treat you like shit no matter what you think about your fans,” he sighed. “Whether it’s the media, or the fans or even the people around you. It’s not as accepted as people spout that it is.”

“Are you saying this because you’re worried about me or because you’re worried about what people will think?” Josh asked gently. He was sitting up too, facing Ryan. “Cause Ryan, I really think that you’re terrified for everyone to know you’re gay and have another thing to throw in your face. I’m not saying you’re, like, being bullied, but I know there’s a lot of unfinished business between you and the old band. I’m kinda thinking you just don’t want any worse beef between you and Brendon…”

“Not like that,” Ryan said, feeling a little petulant. “I mean, am I worried that he’ll punch me in the fucking jaw next time I see him? Yeah, totally. But I know that I’m past all that, Josh.”

“You’re not past it,” Josh snorted. “Baby, you were practically shaking when you saw Brendon.”

“Those were just nerves,” Ryan said. “I’ve been ignored by him for years. I don’t remember how to talk to him anymore and I have no fucking idea what he’s gonna do. He could yell at more, or do something worse.”

“Worse?” Josh repeated.

Ryan shrugged. “He could laugh at me.”

Josh snorted. “Baby, Brendon… He wouldn’t do that. I don’t know what he was like back then, but he isn’t like that now. You said so yourself. Brendon’s grown a lot, okay? And he wouldn’t just screw you over like that. He wouldn’t laugh.”

“To my face,” Ryan replied stiffly.

“Gosh, Ryan,” Josh said sadly. “Do you expect the worst from everyone? Were you trained to be that way? I-I feel like you’ve just kinda been beaten into the ground and now you’re… you’re giving up. You’re just building walls and waiting for people to try to break it down. You’re waiting to be hurt.” Josh paused. “…You don’t think I’m gonna hurt you, do you?”

Ryan hesitated. “I mean…will you?”

“Not on purpose,” Josh sighed. He stood and fixed his pants. “Wanna go to bed? I’ll handle everything in the morning. I’ll bet no one even recognized us.”

Ryan looked down. “…You should come out if you want to,” he said, wanting to show that he at least trusted Josh. “I’ll stand up beside you. I won’t lie or anything and I’ll even make the announcement with you, if you want. Okay? I-I wanna be there for you for this. If you want to do this at all.”

Josh smiled sadly. “Let’s get some sleep, baby.”

“I want you to do what feels right,” Ryan continued softly, taking Josh’s hand when he offered it to help lift Ryan from the couch. “And I wanna be there for whatever it is, okay? Whatever you chose to do, you don’t deserve to be alone while doing it.”

“I appreciate it, baby,” Josh murmured. “I do. I don’t think I’ll be doing anything without talking to Tyler. Thank you so much for your support.” He pulled Ryan to the bedroom, and Ryan tried to pretend that Josh had forgiven him for being such an asshole.

. . .

“Dude, you can’t get mad at me…”

Ryan roused from his sleep when he head Josh talking in the other room. When no other voice sounded, but Josh continued to talk, Ryan assumed Josh was on the phone. He shut his eyes again and tried to fall back asleep so he wouldn’t be eavesdropping.

“Brendon, this isn’t like I’m destroying anything, let alone my career! Ryan’s not some big fucking mistake, he’s a person. He’s a cool guy who eats too much pizza, and that’s it. He’s not some bad luck charm that’s gonna mess everything up. Just because things didn’t work out with him for you doesn’t mean I’m gonna make the same mistakes.”

Ryan sighed and put a pillow over his ear.

“… Because Ryan’s not a walking disaster like you always say! He’s a guy who makes his way through life and shit and he doesn’t ask for a lot. He cares about me. We’ve been dating for more than three months, Brendon, you’re so fucking late to the show, and you can’t convince me to leave him.”

Ryan was tense as Josh listened to Brendon’s response.

“…Oh. Well, I mean, if you’re not gonna tell me to break up with him, then why did you call me?”

Okay, Ryan hadn’t expected that. 

“You what?” Ryan wished he could actually hear Brendon’s side. He’d kinda given up on not listening to Josh’s conversation. Josh was so much louder than the pillow. “Brendon, I…look, I get that you’re worried, but I’m not sure why. Ryan’s not some brutal guy who’s gonna, like, make fun of me or call my hair dumb. Ryan’s my boyfriend.” Ryan’s heart stuttered a little. “You get that, right? He’s my boyfriend. We are dating. We’re gonna fuck soon. Kissing is awesome and going on dates is awesome and he’s awesome. And you cannot convince me otherwise.”

“Okay, okay, you’re not trying to convince me,” Josh sighed. “I’m sorry, I keep thinking you are. You’re just…I know you’re saying I need to be careful, but I’ve been telling Ryan that you’re not the same person you used to be, and he knows it. He was telling me you aren’t the same as back then on his own. So you should recognize the same. Ryan’s not at all the same. You would tell us stories of him being a control freak who screams and shit. But the Ryan I know makes breakfast and cares about his dog, and plants, and seems fucking scared to let his laugh get a decibel too high.”

“…I know that he’s an adult and I know that he’s a man. This doesn’t mean that I’m, like, gonna start going out and buying male underwear magazines. I’m into Ryan, and that’s kinda it. So I’m not gay, not even bi. Ryan’s just special. And you gotta believe me when I say that Ryan’s different. He is! Brendon, you don’t even know the things…”

Josh didn’t finish that statement, and Ryan was a little grateful that Josh had chosen not to spill Ryan’s own secrets. “Brendon, he’s been through things. And some of those things were because of you, I think. You’ve both left your marks on each other. Ryan’s moving on, Brendon. I think you need to move on too.”

Josh sighed after a moment. “You’re my friend, Brendon, and I’m not some asshole. I’m gonna see you for lunch today, as promised. And I’m probably gonna talk about how my night was with Ryan and I’m gonna gush about how I’ve been missing out on having never rubbed off on a guy. On anyone. Dude, have you ever done it? Oh my god, I fucking love grinding on him. I could grind on him over and over until I fall asleep with gross underpants.” Josh laughed. “I’ve had to listen to your dumb sex stories about what you and Sarah do, so now you’ve got to listen to mine.”

Josh chuckled and Ryan heard him walk into the room. “Yeah, he’s over,” Josh said softly. “He’s in bed. Dot’s here too, but she’s passed out in the kitchen. I fed her leftover chicken and now she won’t move. Ryan’s cute, too. He’s so peaceful to sleep with. He just kinda folds his body over you and makes you feel, like…” Josh paused and Ryan was tempted to show he was awake when Josh suddenly finished, saying, “loved. It makes you feel loved.”

Oh shit.

“It’s three months, Brendon, it’s not too early to say that. I can say that, especially if it’s true.” Josh paced a little. “Because he’s fucking amazing! And Tyler likes him. He’s even already told me that if I want to come out, he’ll support me. I know you two had a huge problem with that, which is why it’s a huge deal that he’s stated, blatantly, that I can come out and he’ll be there. That feels amazing, Brendon. To know he’s got my back. And I’m pretty sure I’m in love with him, because why else do I want to watch him sleep, and pet his hair, and chase nightmares away with my bare hands?”

“...Yeah. He still has nightmares.”

Ryan frowned. He didn’t know he had nightmares. He never remembered them. “It’s gotta be the anxiety,” Josh explained. “He’s just got a lot of pent up stuff and things he doesn’t talk about. It’s okay. I handle the nightmares. They don’t last long.”

God, Ryan had such fucking problems. He wished he could insist that Josh deserved better, and Ryan knew it was true, but he liked Josh way too much. He wasn’t gonna push that. Ryan was also feeling really fucking bad for listening so long. He shifted in bed and made a show of rolling over. Josh giggled. “Fuck, Brendon, his butt is so cute. I wanna just squeeze his butt and massage it or something. Do they have special oil for butt massages?…Of course you should know, Brendon, you’ve got the unhealthiest obsession with butts. Especially your own butt.”

“…Brendon, I really am falling in love with him.”

“Josh, stop,” Ryan interrupted. His conscious wouldn’t let him continue to listen. He couldn’t do this to Josh. He opened his eyes and saw Josh was pale and staring at Ryan in horror.

“You heard that?” Josh breathed, looking horrified. Josh quickly hung up the phone and threw it to the bed, running a hand through his hair. “How, how much did you hear?”

“I tried to put a pillow over my hear,” Ryan mumbled.

“Oh my god,” Josh groaned. “…It’s too early, I know that. I-I was defending myself to Brendon so he’d stop being so pushy. You, you’re not obligated to say or feel anything at all, okay? I’m an idiot and I fall in love too fast, I, I never meant for you to hear that. Never meant for you to know, not yet, okay? Just, just know…you’re loved. Okay? If that means anything at all. And if that doesn’t creep you out too much.”

Ryan sat up and reached out. Josh hesitantly took his hand and Ryan pulled him into bed. “C’mere, hero,” he murmured “I’m okay if you’re in love with me,” he began. “I can’t say the same yet, but with the way you've been treating me? With how you’ve cared about me? I-I’m well on my way, okay? And I, I wanted to say that you have helped me so much, okay? Which is why I’m calling you that dumb name. I mean, I’m always afraid of relationships, but I’m not afraid to keep going. Not afraid to fall in love. You got me through the night after seeing Brendon without a panic attack. You apparently help me with nightmares I don’t remember. And you don’t push me into sex. You just care about me, and let me be your partner. It’s what I’ve always wanted. Someone to go through life with, and not have as a mere responsibility.”

“So you don’t think I’m dumb for falling in love already?” Josh asked. Ryan shook his head and leaned in to kiss Josh softly.

“You mean a lot to me, hero,” he murmured into the tiny space between their lips. “I’m not gonna give you up and I’m not gonna look down on you for being a human being. I’m not anyone confident, but I’m not gonna say I’m undeserving of love, either. And you love me. That…” Ryan smiled shakily. “Fuck, Joshy, that’s kinda fucking awesome. It’s awesome. I kinda love being loved and I’m dumb and always wait for it to end. But I’m gonna stop waiting, okay? I’m gonna just forget all my old relationships. I’m gonna do this without thinking about what has happened before. I’m gonna focus on you now.”

“And I’m gonna be your hero,” Josh said with a tentative smile. “I’ll sweep you off your feet and whisk you away to the land of expensive guitars and thumping beats.”

Ryan smiled back. “You know you just told my ex you’re in love with me. I think that’s pretty deserving of pancakes. I can make pancakes, by the way, really awesome pancakes. I can put blueberries and chocolate chips in them. And then I’ll head home so you can have your lunch with Brendon, and maybe you could come over tonight?”

Josh grinned wide. “Dude. Yes. Awesome.”

Ryan kissed him again. “I’ll make breakfast.” He got out of bed, smiling to himself. Josh loved him and Ryan had successfully had an adult conversation concerning their relationship. He was feeling pretty good about himself.

. . .

Josh came home late that night and cured around Ryan, who was already in bed. Ryan had given Josh a key to his place before Ryan and left his place earlier that day. Ryan had had a spare hidden under his mat back at home. He’d gone to bed early just because he’d done a lot of cleaning around his apartment. The plants were watered and the oven was clean. Ryan was still wet from his shower when Josh slid into bed and Josh pressed his nose into Ryan’s neck.

“You smell like citrus,” Josh whispered.

Ryan smiled sleepily. “Cause my shampoo smells nice. Paid good money for good shampoo.” He rolled over and faced Josh, smiling across the pillow to him. “How was your day?”

Josh nodded and reached up to brush Ryan’s wet hair from his lashes. He scooted even closer, their noses almost touching. Ryan fought not to go cross-eyed to bring Josh into focus. The room was dark anyways. “Tyler and I talked,” he murmured. “And he said that he’d be cool with me coming out one day, though we don’t know when. I think I’m gonna wait, anyways. We also talked about working on the new album. The label is pushing for us to tour.”

Ryan’s face fell as it dawned on him that Josh was going to be away for months to years at a time. That was how touring worked. He knew bands that had been on constant touring, with only short two week breaks here and there, for three years straight. He didn’t want to think about what he would do when Josh was gone. 

“We’re gonna work on an album so they don’t start sending us out,” Josh said. Ryan noticed he looked a little disappointed. “Which, uh, it means that I’m gonna have to spend a lot more time in the studio and stuff. Help Tyler with writing and then actually start composing, and recording.”

Ryan just nodded.

“…Would you come to the studio with us some days?” Josh asked.

Ryan’s expression lit up. “Really?”

He saw Josh nod. “I mean, I’ve seen your posts about studio stuff, so I know you’re not, like, associating bad things with being in the studio. I just wanted to make sure, at the same time. Would you like to come in with us? I would love it if you came in and joined us. Jenna does that a lot, too, especially since they just got married.”

“What’s happening with Tyler and Jenna’s baby?” Ryan asked. 

Josh smirked a bit. “Another reason we’re writing a new album. We’re hoping it’ll last long enough for us to stay in town until she gives birth. Tyler doesn’t want to miss any of it, but once she gives birth, she won’t exactly be able to hang out on the tour bus like she used to. Tyler’s excited, though. And now I’m excited to know you’ll be in the studio with us. Hey, you could even give us some advice!”

Ryan chuckled and shook his head. “I’m happy to just be with you.”

Josh grinned and finally leaned in to kiss Ryan. “I love you,” he hummed. Ryan nodded and kissed him again. He waited and was relieved to see that Josh wasn’t disappointed when Ryan didn’t say it back. Josh really was the most understanding person he’d ever been with. 

“Let’s get some rest, hero,” Ryan murmured, fully relaxing back into the bed. Josh did the same and wrapped his arms around Ryan, pulling him into his chest. Ryan shut his eyes and breathed out gently through his nose, going limp and falling asleep in record time. He dimly hoped he wouldn’t disturb Josh with another nightmare tonight.

. . .

Ryan woke up slowly, the light streaming in through his blinds and falling onto Josh’s legs. He smiled softly and shifted, wanting to get more comfortable, when again, his hard cock brushed against the sharpness of Josh’s hip. Ryan shut his eyes tightly and tried not to get overthink it. He was just pretty pissed his body was so fucking juvenile and going against his will. Ryan was having a good morning so far and he didn’t want to ruin it by being grumpy.

Ryan bit his lip and looked up at Josh’s sleeping face, wondering if he was actually sleeping. He hesitated, then clenched his fingers in the front of Josh’s shirt before he pressed his cock back against that bony hip and moved his hips in slow circles. Ryan let out a small sigh and shut his eyes, focusing on the pleasure curling slowly in his belly.

Josh’s body was so warm against his, soft and gentle despite the point of Josh’s side. He sunk his teeth into his lower lip as he gyrated against the other man, making figure eights with his hips and hiding his face in the dip where Josh’s shoulder connected to his chest. Ryan began to thrust a little harder, mouth falling open as air from through his nose became not enough. His cock throbbed and small moans slipped past his lips as his thrusts became more erratic the closer he got. He hadn’t gotten off with another person since his last relationship. Ryan didn’t notice how fucking desperate he must have sounded until Josh spoke.

“Baby, baby, take it easy,” Josh murmured. Josh pulled away and Ryan whimpered, reaching out and trying to pull Josh close again. But Josh stayed away and sat up, leaning against the headboard. He took Ryan gently by the arms and pulled him up into his lap. Ryan flushed deeper when he realized that Josh could forcibly manhandle him into any position and Ryan wouldn’t really be able to fight back. It sent a thrill of something through Ryan’s spine and he trembled, looking up at Josh with dark, pleading eyes. Josh sat Ryan down in his lap with Ryan’s back to Josh’s chest. “Figured this would be the easiest way,” Josh murmured into his hair, hot breath ghosting Ryan’s skin like a kiss. “Lift up.”

Ryan followed directions, planting his feet on the mattress and pushing his hips into air. Josh reached out and pushed Ryan’s boxers down. Ryan’s cock sprung free, standing tall and proud, angry red at the tip and leaking precum. 

“Oh, what the fuck,” Josh breathed. “How the - how can someone so fucking skinny have a dick this fucking big?”

Ryan blushed and shut his eyes. Josh placed his hands on Ryan’s thighs and pushed Ryan’s hips back down so Ryan’s bare ass was sitting in Josh’s lap. He felt strangely exposed like this, with Josh looking down over his shoulder. Josh took the bottom of Ryan’s shirt and tugged it off and over Ryan’s head, and that was when Ryan felt very vulnerable. He was laid completely bare for Josh’s eyes to see and couldn’t even see Josh’s face. His body shook a little and his cock throbbed deliciously. 

Fuck, apparently Ryan got off on being exposed like this, so what the fuck could he do?

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Josh murmured, dragging his lips up and down the side of Ryan’s neck. Ryan could feel Josh’s eyes on him and let out a shaky breath. “You have no idea how much I want you,” Josh continued. “How much I want to make you mine.” Josh’s hands rubbed Ryan’s thighs, fingers dipping in between Ryan’s thighs and pulling them apart. Ryan kept his eyes shut. Josh smirked and reached around Ryan to grasp his cock in one hand. Ryan flinched when Josh did so, having not expected to be touched.

“See?” Josh said. “This’ll be easy. It’s like how I jack myself off.” Ryan wished he could see that. Josh pumped Ryan’s cock, seeming confident in his wrist action, and Ryan wondered how many times Josh had managed to jack off in one day. “God, this is actually kinda nice,” Josh murmured as he stroked Ryan. “You feel so big, too. Like, I have drummer hands, big hands. Wrapped around you feels awesome. And I can feel your body tighten and I think your thighs are shaking. This is beautiful, Ryan.”

“Fu-u-uck,” Ryan stammered, a throb of pleasure bringing him close. He arched his back against Josh’s chest, curling his spine and trying to hide his face in Josh’s neck, but he couldn’t manage to twist his body like that. He thrust up into Josh’s hand, whining deep in the back of his throat, and tried to say something, give a warning, because there was a tight twist in his belly and he sucked in his gut without meaning too as he spilled into Josh’s hand with a soft gasp, bending over Josh’s arm.

“Shit, that was fast,” Josh commented with an audible grin. Ryan sat up quickly and tried to pull away, suddenly hit with so much humiliation that he felt like he’d been slapped in the face with a bull shark. He crawled across the bed and tried to find his clothes, face burning with shame, when Josh’s arm was suddenly around his waist, pulling him back.

“Baby, baby, where are you going?” Josh asked. Ryan glanced back and saw he looked confused. Ryan let out a wretched laugh. 

“I’m going home,” he said, not bothering to hide how upset he was. He knew he was home, this was his fucking room, but his hands were going to start shaking if he didn’t get the fuck out of there and to someplace where he could have a mental breakdown and scream at himself for having stupidly trusted yet another person with his body.

“Ryan, stop,” Josh murmured, not letting Ryan go. The strong arms that had once thrilled Ryan while pinning him down where now keeping him trapped in a room that Ryan couldn’t stomach remaining in. He stared down at the sheets in his bed and decided he wanted to throw them away. Or burn them. “Why are you trying to leave?”

Ryan remained stiff.

“Was it something I did?” Josh asked, rubbing Ryan’s upper arm with his free hand. “Did you…did you ask me to stop? I didn't hear you. I’m sorry. Fuck, Ryan, fuck, how badly did I just mess up?”

Ryan scowled and tried not to give in so quickly. He hated hearing how scared Josh sounded, how horrified he seemed by the concept of forcing Ryan to do something he didn’t want to do. He wanted to keep being burned and pissed over Josh’s comment.

“Please tell me I didn’t just ruin something perfect,” Josh begged, his voice sounding small.

“God dammit,” Ryan choked out. “You just…you said I was…” He couldn’t really repeat it. He was so fucking embarrassed.

“Beautiful?” Josh offered. “Sexy? Perfect? I-I know I said at least two of those. What was wrong with them?” God, the poor guy just sounded so confused, like he couldn’t even begin to imagine what he could’ve said that would’ve hurt Ryan like this. “Baby, what did I say?”

Fuck, it seemed so juvenile now. “You… said I was fast.” He mumbled the last part, not really wanting Josh to hear him. 

Josh frowned. “…A-and?”

“Don’t you realize how, like, e-embarrassed I feel from that?” he asked. “It, I-I’m thirty. I’m already losing all this control over my body when it comes to you, and then you go and say that? Like I’m inexperienced?”

“I-I didn’t mean it like that,” Josh replied. “I meant that I was proud of myself. For being able to get someone who has a lot more experience with sex than me to get off so quickly. Like, that’s the first time I’ve ever touched a guy like that too. It, it was awesome. It was so cool! To know that I’m, uh, capable? Able. To give you sex and stuff. Make you feel good.” Josh was blushing as he admitted to all of this. “I was worried I’d suck at being with another man. But I was able to make you cum that quickly, and I gotta admit, it feels awesome to be able to say I did that.” He sighed. “I’m sorry that I hurt you. I never meant to.”

“Fuck, I’m such a fucking idiot,” Ryan groaned.

“Sometimes,” Josh sighed. “But, hey— I probably would’ve been pretty upset too. Maybe this is like the equivalent to saying you have a small dick. No one can actually say your dick is small without you laughing at them, so they say you cum too fast and then you get super defensive and stuff. And then you’ll buy a truck with huge tires and a really loud engine.”

“We’ve talked about this,” Ryan huffed. “Big trucks only correlate to dick size, not how long they last in bed.”

Josh giggled and kissed Ryan’s cheek. “I’m sorry for hurting you. Do you forgive me?”

Ryan ducked his head and nodded.

“Let’s face the day, baby,” Josh said. “I’ve got an album to work on and you’ve got a dog to walk.”

. . .

With Josh back in the studio, Ryan had more time for his friends who didn’t have time for him. Jeremy was busy with work, Allison was busy with Jeremy, and Dan was back on tour, going up and down California, blowing smoke and sending Ryan dumb selfies. Dan had this thing with Ryan where he tried to pile on as many pairs of sunglasses on his face and send the pictures to Ryan as photo evidence. He was trying to break his record with each picture. The highest number had been seven pairs. 

Ryan spent most of his day anticipating the selfies and waiting for Josh to come home. Dot was his only companion, so Ryan did random things throughout the day. He did the laundry, sorted through his old clothes twice, did the laundry again, went out for food, then came back and walked Dot all before lunch. He felt restless and bored and stupid without someone there to stimulate his brain. 

Without Josh, he just felt kinda dumb. He read a few books, he watched TV shows that felt empty without Josh watching with him, and everything felt duller under his fingertips. Dot went on three walks a fucking day with how desperate Ryan was to have something to do, and he found a new dog park that had lake that he visited twice in one day between coffee breaks. Ryan had nothing to do because his everything to do was too busy writing music and hanging out with his best friend and fuck, fuck, Ryan was lonely.

He was fucking lonely.

So he went out more often to try and distract himself from the empty apartment that was supposed to have Josh bounding around. Ryan went to a few bars and didn’t drink anything but soda and then went to his regular boxing training appointments, watched hockey on his phone on the beach, and went to random places in the city that he should’ve gone to before.

He was at Amoeba Records, this really cool warehouse full of CDs and vinyls and cassettes and movies. Ryan had gone with every intention of finding a new classical vinyl that he could listen to while drinking apple juice in a wine glass and watch Clue. He wanted to have some sort of fun tonight because Josh wasn’t going to be home for the next two days while he and Tyler camped out in the studio and got three fucking things done at once. 

Ryan found a Vivaldi album and figured it would sound classy enough for the night, and then he googled someplace to eat because why the fuck not? It wasn’t like he wouldn’t work away the calories somehow. Maybe it would be the third walk for the day, maybe it would be a late night run; he didn't fucking know. But he was hungry now and he didn’t care to think any further into his day than the immediate. 

“Doomies,” Ryan read from his phone, squinting. “Huh.” It was just down the block. He left the warehouse and walked the block, looking around the parking lot of the place and feeling relieved when there weren’t many cars. There was a dry cleaners right beside it, and a nail salon above. Ryan entertained the idea of getting his toe nails painted pink just so Josh could have a laugh when he finally saw them. Ryan quickly vetoed that idea because he kinda hated the feeling of the paint on his nails. It felt weirdly suffocating. 

Ryan went into the store and smiled to himself when he saw the dark walls and comic book table tops. He liked the aesthetic. It was a place deserving of the name “Doomies.” There were a few people sitting in the booth in the car corner, but Ryan couldn’t see them very well. He walked up to the register and looked at the menu overhead. He saw literally everything was vegan and wondered if he should be adventurous, or if french fries were good enough.

He ordered ice cream and a burger with fries, that was somehow vegan, and went to sit down, but faltered when he turned around and saw Brendon.

“Uh, hey,” Brendon said, rubbing the back of his neck. Ryan couldn’t move. “We, uh…Jon knew this place. Wanted to eat here. We’re all in that booth.” Ryan’s gaze flickered beyond Brendon to see Jon, Cassie, Sarah, Spencer, and Linda all watching Ryan and Brendon like this was some TV pilot that they’d been anticipating for months. Ryan’s hand itched for his phone so he could text Josh an SOS and beg for a savior.

“Why don’t you come sit with us?” Brendon offered, looking uncomfortable.

“Josh is waiting for me,” Ryan lied.

“No he isn’t,” Brendon sighed. “He and Tyler are in the studio. Look, I get that this is fucking weird for you, but I have some questions and so do Spence and Jon. I kinda feel like we’re owed some answers.”

“I don’t owe you fucking anything,” Ryan spat before he could stop himself. He hated getting really angry at people to their faces. It let them know how upset he really was. Brendon winced.

“You don’t,” Brendon said, wearing that face that said he was just avoiding a fight. “Come sit?”

“I have no reason at all to sit with you guys,” Ryan said, arms crossed over his chest.

“Ryan, please.” Brendon said. “I’m tired of fighting. It’s too much effort to stay mad and the fans are fucking annoying. I just want to talk about a few things and that’s it. It'll be friendly. If it gets too upsetting, you can leave, but we’ve got to be adults about this.”

Ryan made a face.

“Insulting Ryan definitely isn’t the way to go about this,” Jon chimed in from behind. 

“Just sit down, Ryan,” Spencer sighed. 

Ryan was really bad at disappointing three fucking people at once. He clenched his fists hard enough to white out his knuckles, but finally relented. He walked past Brendon and sat on the edge of the booth, opposite of where Brendon would sit. He was beside Jon and and he wished he could say that it was the most preferable spot to be, but Jon was just as much a stranger as everyone else here. 

“So,” Spencer began as Brendon sat. “Josh Dun.”

Ryan tensed and waited to defend Josh. “What about him?”

“Brendon told us that you two are dating,” Jon said, smiling amicably and looking to Ryan with this weird, gentle gaze that he’d worn permanently when looking at Ryan since two thousand fucking whenever. Ryan would sometimes get this feeling that Jon saw him as a glass figurine that people made a game out of smashing into pieces on the ground and then gluing back together into whatever they wanted him to be. But then Jon started to play the game too, and Ryan just kinda gave up.

“I don’t have to justify my life to you guys,” Ryan told them, always on the offensive when it came to most people these days. “Josh and I are in a healthy relationship and it’s been going strong. He and I are happy and that’s all there is to it.”

“That’s awesome,” Jon said.

“I don’t believe you,” Spencer said.

Ryan scowled across the table and Linda nudged Spencer in the gut while giving him an admonishing look.

“What?” Spencer asked, sounding like a child. “Ryan doesn’t know how to do healthy. So maybe he’s happy — is Josh? What if Josh is hating this? Maybe that’s why he’s basically locking himself up in the studio. Maybe he just doesn’t know how to break up with Ryan.”

“Fuck off,” Ryan said, voice wavering.

“Seriously,” Brendon snorted. “Spence, stop being an asshole. You didn’t see Josh, how he looked at Ryan. Josh is definitely invested into Ryan.” Ryan was actually a little relieved to hear that. “Look, Ryan,” Brendon began. “I invited you here because if you're gonna date Josh, then I need to be at least somewhat friendly with you. Josh is my friend and I’ve got this feeling that you’re going to be a big part of his life for a long time. I’m not gonna let me being a dick stop me from being friends with him. I don’t wanna be that jerk who hates on the boyfriend of his friend. Like, I’m not gonna stoop so low.”

“That’s surprising,” Ryan said before he could stop. Jon laughed beside him. Brendon frowned, but didn’t say anything mean back because Sarah was smiling beside him. 

“Don’t be a dick either,” Brendon huffed. “God, Ryan, I just…”

“We miss you,” Jon hummed. Brendon and Spencer both narrowed their eyes at Jon, but neither of them said Jon was wrong, so that was something. “We do. Spencer doesn’t shut up about you some days. And he has a hard time when we’re around Brendon because Brendon couldn’t hear about you less enough.”

“But Brendon’s also sorry,” Spencer added. “And thinks you should be too, but you left that one voicemail that he’s never deleted and I think that was apology enough from you. So I’m apologizing and saying — hey, Ry. Wanna hang out sometime? Maybe get milkshakes? Head to the drive-in and make out?”

Ryan snorted a laugh and kinda hated himself for laughing. Spencer wore a smug expression, like he was saying ‘still got it’ with his eyes. 

“I think it’d be good for us to try for something tentative,” Jon added. “So that we’re not at each other’s throats when we see each other again. And we will be seeing each other again. Brendon and Josh are good friends, and Spencer and I are making a sort of comeback into that. I know it’ll happen. It has to happen because that’s how the world works. Through coincidences and awkward silences that say more than most public speakers.”

“I don’t know what you expect from me,” Ryan said. “I’ve reached out plenty.”

“Social media hardly counts,” Spencer snorted. 

“It’s more than either of you have done,” Jon retorted, still grinning at Brendon and Spencer. “I mean, Spencer talks big to Linda and Cass, but when they say he should do something? What does he do? Jack shit, that’s what he does.”

Ryan’s fries and burger were set down in front of him, but he wasn’t hungry anymore. He was told he’d have to wait for his ice cream. Ryan wanted to throw it out and leave. Jon reached over and snagged a fry and Ryan was slapped in the face with so much déjà vu that his stomach churned. “I say we all stop being a bunch of collective scaredy cats and fix this,” Jon said. “What do you say?”

Spencer shrugged. “I’m down.” Brendon nodded. Ryan thought it was sickeningly ironic that they only agreed to talking to Ryan when it was on their own terms, not his. Like bullies that didn’t want to work out a truce until it was their way, and their way only. But Ryan nodded to show he agreed. He would take this over the nothing he’d been given before.

“We’re not assholes, Ryan,” Brendon said. Then, “…not anymore.”

“Right,” Ryan said. “Of course. And, uh, how will we be doing this? Joint custody? Spencer gets me on Tuesdays and Thursdays, Brendon on weekends, and Jon whenever he fucking feels like it? Am I gonna be traded around like a commodity, or can I expect something a little more humane?”

Brendon heaved a sigh and Spencer rolled his eyes while grumbling something under his breath, but Jon just looked sad again. Jon had always been a little more understanding of Ryan. “You’re a person, Ryan,” Jon said, sounding patient like he needed to remind Ryan of this. “We’re gonna treat you like one. And I get you Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.” Jon winked and Ryan bent over his little basket of food and made himself eat. “We’ll get malts and listen to ‘Africa.’ The one by Toto? And I’ll buy you more presents that Spencer and Brendon. I’ll be the favorite parent.”

“You’ll buy him a bunch of meaningless shit,” Spencer accused. “Like McDonalds Happy Meal toys. When I buy him gifts, it’ll mean something. I’ll get him tickets to hockey and, like, concerts. I’ll buy him dinner, too. I’ll actually feed him.”

“I’ll buy him cool clothes and make all of you look back,” Brendon cut in. “His inner happiness will only be fueled by his outer attractiveness.”

“My clothes are fine,” Ryan said, scrunching up his nose.

Brendon raised a brow and sat back, making a show of flexing his chest muscles, showing off his cheetah print shirt and tight pants. Ryan wasn’t very impressed. “I’m happy in my low-key leather,” Ryan said confidently. He really did prefer staying out of the brighter eyes. 

“Whatever floats your boat,” Jon hummed. “It’s not like you need to attract a mate. You’ve got Josh.”

Ryan found himself smiling and finally relaxing. Everyone was falling back into the old fashioned banter and they were right — Ryan did have Josh.

“You two are cute, by the way,” Jon commented. “You and Josh. I hope it works out. You seem to be going strong and he seems like he treats you really well, and vice versa. Brendon was just being a dick. You are obviously very attached to him.”

Ryan flushed a little and shrugged. “Just, you know. Trying something new.”

“You would always swear to me you aren’t gay,” Spencer snorted. “Even when you were with Brendon.”

“It’s cause I’m not,” Ryan said. “I just...I don’t like looking at men. I don’t seek out dick. I just, I…I like Josh.” He looked back down at his food when Spencer smirked a little and Brendon just looked freaked out. It must’ve been weird for Brendon to have Ryan back in his life and dating one of his close friends. Ryan didn’t exactly feel sorry for him, but he could relate to things be weird for him too. Dating a friend of Brendon’s wasn’t something he’d ever thought would happen. “I like Josh a lot,” he murmured, a little to himself. “He’s kind to me and he tells me what he’s thinking. He doesn’t wait for me to guess and figure it out on my own, and I try to do the same. We’re partners and he’s so good to me and I lo—”

Ryan cut himself off and his hands started to shake. His eyes were wide and he started to freak out so bad, fight or flight triggering. He knew he needed to leave before he said something stupid in his panic. 

Spencer looked confused. “Dude. Already?”

“Shut up, Spencer,” Brendon said almost harshly, watching Ryan. 

“But he—”

“Shut up,” Brendon repeated. He was watching Ryan with a calm expression. “It’s totally cool if you’re in love, Ryan. I know Josh is too. It’s not like you’ve only been together a week or something dumb. It’s been months. It’s perfectly okay.”

“Not for me,” Ryan choked out, tugging at his hair. “Have you seen my track record? Nearly everyone has cheated on me. I-I hate falling in love.”

“Josh isn’t like them,” Brendon said. “Josh…isn't like me. He won’t do that.” Brendon smiled sadly. “He would never, ever do that to you. Trust me on this. He’s completely over the moon for you. I don’t think he’ll ever love anyone like he loves you.”

“Fuck.” Ryan shuddered and gasped wetly. “Give, give me a minute. I’m having trouble coming to terms with the fact that I’m falling in love for the last time.” Ryan looked up at Brendon and put on a brave smile. “Shit. Fuck. This is happening.”

Brendon smiled crookedly. It felt bittersweet. “Good luck, Ryan,” 

. . .

A few mornings later, Josh was bustling around, frantic and running late. 

“Don’t even have time for breakfast!” Josh called out apologetically from the bathroom where he was trying to make his hair look like somewhat presentable. “Fuck, babe, I’m sorry, I know you made breakfast, but I’ve got to get to Tyler. I overslept. I’m so sorry.”

Ryan shrugged as he continued to feed Dot. He was just grateful Josh had been able to spend the night. The breakfast wasn’t that important and Ryan was a little anxious. He planned on telling Josh this morning. It had been two days since that lunch at Doomies. Spencer had sent Ryan a text. Brendon had sent him some dumb meme, and Jon had called Ryan twice while driving because he liked to talk on the phone while driving. There was discussion of Ryan having dinner with them and Pete. It was weird. 

Josh suddenly rushed past him and to the door. He had his wallet and sunglasses in his hands, and keys in his mouth. He tried to kiss Ryan’s cheek on his way out, but really just smacked his keys against Ryan’s jaw with an apologetic expression before he opened the door with his foot.

“Bye,” Ryan said, before adding, soft and quiet, “love you.”

Josh turned around and came right back into the apartment, dropping everything onto the table — including his keys — staring at Ryan, chest heaving with how much he’d been exerting himself to leave on time. Now all that effort had been pointless and Josh wasn’t saying anything. 

Ryan swallowed audibly and stared back. 

“…Repeat that for me, baby?” Josh suddenly asked, his voice gentle and low, from deep within his chest. 

Ryan’s tongue darted out to wet his lips. Josh’s eyes tracked it almost hungrily. “I love you,” Ryan said. 

Josh stared for a moment long before his entire face broke out in a smile. He crawled on top and over the table to get to Ryan, taking Ryan’s face in his hands and kissing him like he wanted to meld souls with Ryan. It felt amazing, to be kissed like he was loved completely and know that he loved this person back. Ryan fisted his hand in Josh’s shirt and gave him everything he had, tried to prove and validate his statement through this simple kiss. And when Ryan saw the wild, animalistic look in Josh’s eyes after they pulled apart, Ryan knew his message had been received, loud and clear. 

“When I get home tomorrow, I’m gonna take you out and put flowers in your hair and make sure you know just how fucking amazing you are,” Josh breathed, centimeters from Ryan’s lips. “Fuck, baby. I don’t want to leave you now.”

Ryan shook his head. “Go to Tyler. He needs your help.”

“I need you,” Josh argued softly. Ryan’s heart swelled and tightened at the same time and it was deliciously confusing.

“I love you,” Ryan said, giddy that he could say so without fear. “Go have a good day, Joshy.”

“No way it could go wrong now,” Josh giggled. He kissed Ryan one last time before sliding off the table and heading out the door, but not before blowing Ryan one last kiss with a flourish of his hand.

. . .

“Josh, meeting the fucking daughter of your best friend it definitely a lot worse than just meeting your best friend,” Ryan argued, wringing his hands together. “Fuck, I’d rather meet your fucking parents than meet the daughter of fucking Tyler Joseph. What if I do something wrong? Fuck, what if I drop her, Josh? What if I fucking drop a fucking baby?”

“You waited with me while she was being born,” Josh snorted. “You saw the baby all bloody and gross. Ry, babe, you heard the first noise she ever made. You were there for her first breath. She’s connected to you. She’ll love you.”

“If I drop her, you have to promise to let me disappear to fucking Mexico for the next three years,” Ryan huffed as he washed his hands for the billionth time. He planned on washing them again once they got to the Joseph residence. He also had baby-safe hand sanitizer packets in the back pockets of his jeans. “And if I get her sick? I’m gonna cry all fucking month.”

“It’ll be fine,” Josh soothed, rubbing his hand in small circles in the small of Ryan’s back. “Lovely boy, you have nothing to worry about. Tyler and Jenna trust you and I trust you. You’re gonna do just fine.”

“I should never be trusted with small, precious things,” Ryan murmured. “I destroy everything good in this world.”

Josh made a face. “Wow, baby, way to get deep in this. It’s a baby, not a…”

Ryan raised a brow and waited for Josh to find a way to lower the importance of newborn life. “Right,” he said once Josh failed to find a way to belittle this. “It’s a life, Josh. An actual, living, breathing thing that could do awesome stuff, like cure cancer, or create the next super cool smart phone that you can wear around your neck like a scarf! If I see this kid, I could totally end up killing it on accident. That’s how much of a fuck up I am.”

“You’re not a fuck up,” Josh sighed. “Ryan, it’s a baby. It’s just a baby. And you’re not a fuck up.”

“You have to help me come up with an excuse for why I can’t hold the baby if they offer,” Ryan said. “Fuck, when was the last time I washed this shirt? I should change. I need to change. I need to wear a clean shirt. Clean pants, too. Clean underwear?”

“If you don’t stop freaking the fuck out, I will be forced to push you onto that bed and make you complacent,” Josh said. 

Ryan scowled. “And how the fuck do you think you’re gonna do that?”

Josh smirked and shrugged. “I have my ways.” 

Ryan threw the keys at Josh’s head, knowing Josh would catch them. “Just fucking drive, you idiot. I don’t think I can focus on the road long enough.”

. . .

“Hey, guys!” Jenna greeted as she opened the door, looking tired as fuck. Her hair was a mess and her makeup was scarce. Tyler came up behind her and kissed her like she was still the most beautiful woman in the world. “It’s so great you guys could come,” Jenna continued, leaning against Tyler. “Tyler has been super excited for you guys to meet little Hannah.”

“Hannah?” Ryan repeated. This was the first he had heard the baby’s name. 

Tyler nodded. “One of my favorite names.” He pulled them all inside, making a point to hold onto Ryan’s arm, like he knew Ryan’s instincts were telling him to fucking run for it. He pulled Ryan directly to the baby room that was painted a soft yellow, like the sun, if you were wearing sunglasses. There was a cradle that had paisley patterned cloth around the edges and a sheer canopy. Ryan was scared to look inside.

He peaked over the edge anyways and saw a chubby baby with blond wisps of hair and dark brown eyes. Her cheeks were pink and she was staring up at Ryan like he was something to be afraid of, and Ryan wished she understood English so he could tell her that she was very, very right to be afraid of him. 

“Uh, hey,” Ryan greeted awkwardly because he didn’t know how else to talk to a baby. He was pretty sure she farted when he greeted her, and again, that was an appropriate response when it came to Ryan Ross. Fear and gross stuff. That was Ryan. Tyler scooped the little baby out of the crib and held her out to Ryan, and Ryan couldn’t think past the blaring red words ‘abort fucking mission’ that flashed behind his eyelids every time he blinked. “…What?”

“Hold her,” Tyler said. “Josh is her godfather. That makes you her godmother.”

Ryan felt the blood leave his face. “... _What?”_

Tyler snickered. “Crap, dude, Josh warned me about this, but I never would’ve guessed that it’d be so funny. You’re like some sort of spazz. It’s cute. I see why Josh can’t say much about you aside from you being cute.”

Ryan’s hands were shaking. “Tyler, I will drop your baby.”

“You drop her, and I’m castrating you,” Tyler said nonchalantly before literally forcing the little girl into his hands. Ryan wanted to scream at someone for making him do this, but then he remembered that babies hated loud noises. He let out this whimper instead and looked around for someone to take the baby from him. No one was around. He had a feeling that was on purpose. 

Ryan looked down into the eyes of the tiny thing and swore to god that if he were the one to hurt this poor thing that was being thrust into an evil world without consent, he would probably hate himself forever. 

. . . 

Josh was pacing furiously. “I don’t fucking get you,” he was saying, cheeks flushed with anger. “I’ve asked you time and fucking time again to just make some fucking free time, but you’ve always got something going on! These are my fucking parents, Ryan! This is important!”

“I’m going to Dan’s show that night,” Ryan lied. Dan didn’t have another show for a while, and definitely not a show this coming Saturday night. “I’m sorry, I forgot about it.” Dan would cover for him. “I promised him I’d go to this show months ago, and I can’t go back on that. Dan’s a good friend.” Josh knew that. Josh knew what Dan meant to Ryan. Ryan was scrambling for excuses, a way out. It was disgusting, Ryan knew it, but he couldn’t meet Josh’s parents.

“You fucking liar!” Josh shouted, and okay, Ryan flinched. Anyone would’ve flinched. Josh Dun yelling at you was one of the scariest things you could ever experience. Josh Dun wasn’t the type of person to yell at anyone unless it was absolutely needed. That was how low Ryan was stooping with this excuse. “God, Ryan, I can’t fucking believe you,” Josh growled, still pacing. “All this bullshit, all this dancing around the problem, all the lying! I can’t stand lying! Why are you doing this, huh? Why do you hate my parents so much?”

“I don’t hate your parents,” Ryan said shakily, because he didn’t. He didn’t hate anyone’s parents, even only just resented his own a little. 

“My parents want to meet you so fucking bad.” Josh kept going, kept pacing. Ryan wanted to wrap his arms around Josh’s waist and pull him close, let Josh let Ryan comfort him, but he knew his hands would be slapped away if he reached out. “It’s all they fucking talk about anymore — _Joshy, when are we gonna meet the boy? Joshy, when will we have him over for dinner? Joshy, his photos online make him out to be so handsome, but they say bad things, are you sure you should be dating him?_ ” Ryan’s blood ran cold. That was what he was afraid of. “They have all these fucking questions that I can’t answer and you won’t even help me! This is driving me insane, Ryan, do you even fucking care at all?”

“I care,” Ryan choked out. “I care. So much.” He ducked his head. “Almost too much.”

Josh threw his hands into the air. “What the fuck does that even mean?!”

Ryan’s hands shook. “…Do you know anything about my parents?” he asked. He knew some stuff was online. Surely Josh had read it.

But Josh shook his head. “I don’t read that shit, before you ask,” he said. “Ever since meeting you in person, I kinda don’t trust anything anyone says about you. It all seems like bullshit created to make you out to be some tortured artist.”

“What do you mean?”

Josh shrugged. “I mean, not every fucking musical genius has to have a shitty relationship with their parents. Most of them were probably making that stuff up about your dad.”

Ryan’s hands were visibly shaking now, fuck. “A-a lot of it is true.”

Josh finally stopped pacing. His toes turned towards Ryan. “…What’s true?”

“About my dad,” Ryan said. He wet his lips. “And my mom. A lot of it is true.”

Josh frowned. 

“My dad was an alcoholic,” Ryan continued, meeting Josh’s eyes and forcing himself to keep the eye contact. “He was neglectful and hurtful and said a lot of shit that made me feel like shit. He never respected me or the music or anything. He was either always drinking, working, or telling me I was worthless. My mom ditched us when I was young. She told me she didn’t want to take me with her because she’d never wanted me in the first place. So, uh, a lot of the stuff on the internet. About my parents. It’s true.”

Josh’s expression of anger faltered. “Fuck, Ry,” he said. “I-I never knew.”

“It’s okay,” Ryan said, voice cracking. “I never told you.”

“But what does this have to do with my parents?”

Ryan smiled brokenly. “C’mon, Joshy, if my own parents hated me, why wouldn’t yours?”

Josh didn’t say anything.

“Think about it,” Ryan pleaded. “You, you love your parents. Fuck, you’re one of those guys who’s gonna take them in when they’re seventy and you’re gonna keep them in the house until they die, and you’ll never get over it. I was lucky my dad didn’t fucking beat me. He actually hit me once or twice, a-and I totally deserved it. So imagine what would happen if your parents hated me.”

“I don’t follow,” Josh said, moving to sit on the floor in front of Ryan’s chair. All the animosity was gone. Ryan couldn’t be more relieved. 

“If your parents hate me, then it’s only a matter of time before we break up,” Ryan explained shakily. “You wouldn’t be with a girl your parents said was no good, meaning you definitely wouldn’t stay with me if it were the same case. It would be gradual, sure, because I do believe you when you say you love me now, but that would change. Your parents would highlight every little thing I did wrong until they’d be blaring signs and reasons for you to break up with me. You can deny it all you want right now, but you know, deep down, that it’s true. You would break up with me if they wanted you to badly enough.”

Josh’s expression was crestfallen. “…Do you really think so little of yourself?”

A lump lodged itself in Ryan’s throat and he finally broke eye contact, blinking away tears of shock and whatever emotion was threatening to choke him. “Fuck,” he almost wheezed, raising his hands to try and wipe his eyes. Josh grabbed his hands before Ryan could reach his face.

“I’m not that much of an asshole,” Josh deadpanned. “I know you’re used to assholes, and only assholes, so I can’t blame you for expecting that from literally everyone. I’m pretty sure it’s an actual psychological disorder. Like, a cyclical expectant thing. Whatever it’s called, you definitely have it. And that’s okay, baby. I understand that you have problems and that you honestly deserve to be paranoid of every single fucking person that comes into your life because you have been so badly fucked over. But I love you, Ryan. I’m not gonna ditch you just because my old farts of parents think you’re no good for me. They don’t know you like I do. They don’t know what we’ve been through. They don’t understand the kind of love you and I have because they’re not us, and they never will be. And I will never, ever throw this love away.”

A sob slipped out of Ryan’s throat and he bit his tongue in an attempt to stifle the sound. Josh let out a soft murmur of something Ryan couldn’t understood and held Ryan’s face in his hands, leaning in to brush their lips. “You mean everything to me,” Josh whispered, his face close enough for his lashes to brush Ryan’s cheeks. “You’re my world. I will never leave you, especially when it comes to the bullshit opinions of others. Your opinion is the only one that matters to me. And Tyler. Cause, you know. Tyler.”

Ryan tried to smile. “I-I’m scared to meet your parents,” he said. “Because I don’t think I can stand being hated by anyone else.”

“They won’t hate you,” Josh insisted. “They couldn’t hate you. They came all the way down here to meet you and now they’re making a fucking dinner in a goddamn shitty hotel for you. They’ll see how fucking in love their stupid son is and love you too. They’ll wonder how someone as amazing as you ever fell for a dork like me. They’ll wonder how I ever got so lucky. Fuck, Ry, they might even try to slyly convince you to break up with me and find someone better.”

Ryan shook his head. “There’s no one better.”

Josh smiled softly and kissed him again. “Come meet my parents, Ryan, and know that it won’t do anything but bring us closer.”

. . .

Josh’s parents fawned over Ryan and tried to overfeed him.

“We just wished Josh had introduced us sooner,” Mrs. Dun gushed as she scooped a second helping of mashed potatoes onto Ryan’s plate. Ryan stared at the potatoes with wide eyes, because he still had a whole drumstick and cinnamon carrots covering the rest of his dish. There was gravy oozing off the edges and Mr. Dun refilled Ryan’s drink for the third time. 

“You’re so thin,” Mrs. Dun hummed. “You’re like a string bean! Joshy hasn’t been doing his job and feeding you, has he? I know he can’t cook worth a thing, but it’s like he hasn’t even tried. Poor baby.” She reached over and Ryan flinched back, not sure if he was worried she was going to try and take a swing at him or pinch his cheek. Both were equally traumatizing. She tutted her tongue at seeing Ryan’s flinch, but didn’t comment. “You have to eat all of that or you’re not allowed to go home,” she told Ryan. “Josh should’ve been making sure you ate enough anyways.”

“Mom, I’m not starving him,” Josh groaned. “He just has a crazy metabolism! I’m not a bad boyfriend.”

“No one said you were,” Mr. Dun commented from the head of the table. “Though maybe you’re compensating.” He continued thoughtfully, “maybe you think you’re doing a bad job and now you’re just in denial.”

Josh looked a little worried all of a sudden and Mrs. Dun swatted at her husband’s knuckles. “Hush. Josh is doing his best.”

“He is,” Ryan commented. When all eyes were on him, he stiffened, but he wasn’t gonna back down. Josh was watching him and Ryan was demonstrating that he wasn’t a coward that was expecting the worst of everyone. “He’s a great boyfriend. Really amazing, actually. He’s the best. Definitely the best.”

Mrs. Dun smiled proudly while Mr. Dun just shrugged and went back to eating. 

Ryan finished his plate and tried not to feel proud of himself when Josh reached under the table to rest his hand on Ryan’s thigh.

. . .

There was a lot to be said about being in a steady, legitimate relationship. 

Waking up next to Josh was probably the safest Ryan had ever felt. They didn’t keep dating because Josh was so busy, but they spent every free hour they had with each other. Josh sometimes hung out with him and Dan and Jeremy. Josh even helped Dan maneuver the sunglasses properly onto his face to break his record with a whopping ten pairs. One of them had been attached to Dan’s hair by being knotted into his hair. Ryan had taken the picture and everything.

It felt good. 

Ryan could always rely on Josh. Whether it was three AM and Ryan was lonely, Josh would take him to IHop and have his arm around Ryan’s waist in the booth, or if it was halfway through the day and Ryan couldn’t find his phone, Josh would know where Ryan had left it like a sixth sense. And even better, Ryan could do the same.

He remembered the first time he saw Josh cry. 

It took nearly a year. Nine months before Ryan finally was able to be a solid rock for Josh. There’d been bullshit accusations and something about sexism. Josh was normally a really strong guy, could normally take punches and not crumble, but then someone had brought up Josh being replaceable and Josh had stopped reading the article aloud. He’d been reading it to Ryan because he’d found it to be somewhat comical, up until that line. Josh read, “and many are pressing for the band’s frontman, Tyler Joseph, to replace his drummer once more and…distance himself from…” Josh had stopped reading. Ryan had taken the phone from Josh and turned off the lights when he had seen Josh was beginning to cry.

“Tyler would never replace you,” he’d soothed, keeping his just just above a whisper in the darkness of the bedroom. “You’re just as much a part of the band as he is, and he would never replace you. People who say that? They’re not fans. They’re abusive dickwads.”

Josh had choked on a laugh that sounded a little too much like a sob, so Ryan had thrown the blankets over their heads and tangled their legs together. “Wanna watch TV?” Ryan had offered, already pulling out his laptop. They’d settled back under the sheets with the soft glow of Ryan’s laptop and watched Stephen King movies from the nineties. 

“The blind girl is a total bitch,” Josh had said after an hour of crying. Ryan had tangled their fingers together, kissed Josh’s neck, and agreed.

. . .

“You and I,” Josh said one morning. “What we have? It’s good, Ryan. It’s really good. Nearly a year, right?”

Ryan nodded and watched Josh wring his fingers together. 

“I’m going on tour soon, Ryan,” Josh said after taking a deep breath. “I’m gonna have to leave. For a really long time. Once this new album drops, if everything goes as planned? I won’t be home for at least another year. I’ll be going everywhere. We’re an international band. Fuck, Ryan, I’ll be away from home so long.”

Ryan nodded. “I was thinking you could move in once you came back,” he said. “Quit your lease now so you don’t need to worry about paying while you’re away. I’ll move your things in while you’re gone, and then…” Ryan shrugged. “When you come home, you won’t go there, you’ll just come here. And, you’ll, uh…you’ll stay.”

Josh bit his lip. “…You mean it, Ry?”

Ryan nodded again, meeting Josh’s wavering gaze with a strong expression. He knew what he was asking and knew what he was doing. It’d nearly been a year. Ryan was beyond not trusting Josh. This was one of his longest relationships ever, and every fight had been meaningless and over before the sun set. Fuck, there hadn’t really been a fight to begin with. Josh would just tell Ryan what had been done wrong, and that would be it. Ryan would correct or apologize, or Josh would do the same, and they’d be golden. Ryan had never been in such a healthy relationship and he was growing comfortable. He wasn’t afraid to let Josh in because Josh was already there and he hadn’t broken a single thing yet.

“I’m tired of waiting for a shoe to drop when both are on my feet,” Ryan explained softly, wanting to assure Josh that he knew what he was doing. “You haven’t done anything to make me paranoid like I am. You haven’t so much as looked at another person. You’ve taken care of me and let me take care of you.” Ryan shrugged. “You love me. And I love you back. And I just wanted to be the one to push us to the next step so there’s no mistaking my confidence in us.”

Josh worried his lip for a little longer before leaning in and gently touching his lips to Ryan’s. “Thank you for trusting me all this time,” Josh murmured, keeping his eyes down. Ryan hooked his finger under Josh’s chin and pulled him up to make Josh look him in the eye. 

“You’re far too good for me, Josh Dun,” Ryan said softly. “I’m just doing everything in my power to make sure I never, ever lose you.” He pulled Josh in for another kiss.

“Like I would ever leave,” Josh breathed.

Ryan smiled a bit. “So is that a yes? You’re gonna move in once you’re home?”

Josh nodded. “But I, uh, I was bringing that up. For another reason.”

Ryan frowned in slight confusion and nodded. “What do you need, hero?” he asked softly. He held Josh’s jaw in his hands and made Josh look him in the eye, something he didn’t seem to want to do at the moment. There was something avoidant and nervous in his face.

“Look, uh, we haven’t talked about something in a while,” Josh began, outwardly nervous. “About… me. And you. Coming out. And I know you seemed really freaked out by his before, but you also told me you’d let me do it? Which I’m pretty sure was just you trying to make me happy and keep me from leaving. Totally pointless, if you couldn’t tell by now. But, uh, I was thinking that, like…” He pulled back and sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “… If I come out, you can come on tour with us for a few dates. You can visit. You can hang out and we won’t have to be separated just to keep people from asking questions. I, I want to be able to see you. On tour. I don’t want to have to be away from you just because of the media shit storm that could follow me having a friend come and visit me for a few shows. I’ve already told Tyler I plan on coming out, like, w-within the week. He knows. I just… I want you to be able to come with me.”

Ryan hesitated. “… Coming out before the tour will welcome a lot of cruel people,” he began cautiously. “You’ll see signs held up during shows. People will say things to you in passing. They’ll post and shout and bully you. I, I don’t know…” He didn’t want to say he wasn’t sure if Josh could handle that, even though it was true. Josh was sensitive when it came to his fans being jackasses. They would use Josh coming out as more fuel for the argument that Josh should be kicked out of the band and replaced. 

“If you were able to come with me on tour, which you would do once I came out, I-I would be able to handle the bullying,” Josh defended. Ryan wasn’t convinced. 

“Look, baby,” Josh said, finally sitting down at the table across from Ryan. Dot curled up at Josh’s feet, expecting food that didn’t exist to fall. “I know you feel like I can’t handle things like that, and you’re kinda right. I, I’m not good at being told I’m no good. But I can when you’re around. You make me brave, Ryan.” Josh smiled shakily. “You make me feel strong and powerful. You make me feel brave enough to face those people and stand my ground. And I know that if I have you there? Those signs. Those screams. They won’t matter. Because you’ll be beside me, keeping me there. Helping me be brave. Helping me be your hero.”

Ryan ran a hand over his face. “… If you’re sure,” he said. “If you really believe that I can carry you like that, then I can.” He’d learned that he needed to trust Josh, even when it came to himself and what he was capable of. “I can do that for you. I would love to do that for you.”

Josh nodded and held up his phone. “Alright. How do you wanna do this?”

“However you think is best,” Ryan said softly. 

Josh’s lower lip would probably start bleeding if he kept biting it like that. He was suddenly moving, grabbing a plate from the cupboard and then a glass from the next cupboard. He grabbed a whole stick of celery, just the whole fucking thing, and tossed it onto Ryan’s plate, then poured him cold coffee from earlier this morning. Josh sat back down and took a picture of Ryan looked beyond the camera, to Josh, with an upturned brow, probably looking a little worried.

Josh sat back and typed something while his tongue was poking out between his lips. He spent a while, backtracking a few times, even erasing what had to be the entire message, before he finally settled on something he seemed to like. Josh turned the phone around to show the draft.

It was the photo of Ryan, and Ryan was pretty glad he’d chosen to actually get dressed that morning. He was proud of his decision to wear that black t-shirt, but his glasses were a little askew, and it was obvious Ryan had make-out hair with how you could almost see where Josh’s hands had been tangled in the greasy locks. The entire celery stick looked laughable and alone on Ryan’s plate and the coffee looked like a stagnant lake. It was obvious everything had literally been thrown on the plate. The only words on the bottom were “dinner with bae <3” even though the post was going to be put up at around ten in the morning. Ryan found himself smiling. 

“Is it good?” Josh asked a little shakily. 

“It’s perfect,” Ryan said. “Really subtle. The celery is a nice touch.”

“Are there any typos?” Josh asked, looking to his phone again. “How do you even spell that word? Bay? Bait? I don’t want to be fucked over by my grammar.”

“You’ve got three words in there,” Ryan chuckled. “I don’t think there are any typos.”

Josh still stared at the screen. “…Do you think it’s too subtle?”

Ryan paused. He actually wasn’t sure. “It might be,” he relented.

Josh groaned and deleted the post. He sat there, staring at the phone, thinking so obviously that Ryan could imagine gears whirring in his head and making smoke. Then Josh was on his feet again. He turned off the lights and pulled Ryan to the couch, lying on his back, coaxing Ryan to lie atop Josh’s chest. Ryan frowned a little before relaxing. They didn’t lie like this very often, unless they were binging a show, but he didn’t mind. Josh held the phone out at arm’s length and the flash went off. Ryan didn’t look at it. He instead looked to Josh, his chin on Josh’s collarbone. 

Josh brought the phone back to his face and Ryan caught a glimpse of the photo. It was pretty cute. It showed most of Ryan’s face, but enough of Josh to show that it really was Josh in the photo. Josh didn’t even type an actual caption, just posted the photo with a heart beneath the photo and Ryan’s Instagram handle, and that was it. 

“There,” Josh breathed. “Done. It’s done.”

Ryan lifted his head to look over Josh’s face. He saw the anxiety creased in the corners of Josh’s eyes, the way his mouth was pinched. His eyes flitted back and forth, watching his phone and waiting for the notifications to come. Ryan smiled softly at Josh and fell a little more in love. He knew he had fallen more in love because his chest did that thing where it swelled and tightened at the same time. It happened pretty often.

“Hey,” he called out softly, cupping Josh’s face in his hands. “Whatever it is, it’s perfect. And they’ll love you no matter what. And even, if by some fluke they don’t? I love you enough for all of them.”

. . .

It took Ryan an embarrassing amount of time to fully understand the amount of trust that went into Josh coming out to the world. Not only did Josh have to completely believe that the world wouldn’t fucking lynch him, he also had to believe Ryan would be with him in the long run. Coming out would be a waste of his time if he thought he and Ryan were going to eventually crash and burn. Josh had to trust him, or he wouldn’t have come out. 

He had this realization two days after Josh came out while they were on a date, eating at a fancy restaurant because sometimes Ryan liked to spoil Josh and show Josh his amazing talent in being able to balance three dinner forks on one wine glass that was filled with fizzy water. 

After realizing Josh’s bravery in coming out, he’d reached across the table to rest his hand atop Josh’s while Josh had been eating his filet mignon. Josh had faltered, asked what was wrong, but Ryan had just shaken his head and told him to keep eating.

They got home and Ryan took in a long, shaky breath before saying, “wanna maybe hold off on the bedtime?” Josh looked mostly confused, so Ryan moved forward and kissed him once, pulled away to look deeply into Josh’s eyes to try and convey what he wanted, and then kissed Josh again. 

Josh’s eyes went wide. “Wait, really?”

Ryan just pulled him into the bedroom and backed himself up to the bed.

Josh was still glancing at Ryan bewildered, as he stood, the backs of his knees hitting the soft edge of the bed. Ryan sucked in a breath, trying to calm the butterflies swarming around his stomach, and all the whispers in his brain not hesitating in telling him of all the bad things that come with sex. With effort, he brushed all those words away, while wringing his hands nervously. 

"I want you," he said shakily, his voice faltering slightly over his next words. "I want to, do it."

Josh raised an eyebrow, "yeah?" He questioned. 

Ryan nodded, feeling himself blush, and turned his gaze to the carpet. God, he was ridiculous. He felt like a sixteen year old girl losing her virginity for the first time. Hell, he couldn't even say the word 'sex' out loud for fucks sake. Before he could fall too deep into his anxieties, he felt Josh's warm calloused hands grazing softly over his face. His chin was tilted up so he could look into Josh's brown eyes. 

"Ryan," Josh murmured gently, eyes studying every inch of his face. "You want to have sex?" He clarified. 

Ryan nodded once again, feeling briefly like a bobble head. Then realized Josh was waiting for verbal consent. "Yes," he croaked, then cleared his throat awkwardly. "You were so brave coming out, and I want to be brave too." 

Josh's eyes were deep, and his hands continued to brush over the skin on Ryan's cheek. It makes goosebumps rise along Ryan's arms. "You're already brave," Josh told him vehemently. "Baby, you're the bravest person I've ever met. You don't need to have sex with me to prove that. You certainly don't have to feel obligated to just because I came out. I did it because I'm not ashamed of you, and I want the whole world to know that you're mine, and that I love you." 

Ryan reached his hand up to run his thumb over Josh's jaw, mimicking the drummer's actions. His heart felt five times too big for his chest. "I love you too," he whispered back, hating how his voice caught. He shuffled forward slightly so that his face pressed into Josh's neck. It was his favorite place to be. It was warm, and he never felt as safe as he did in Josh's arms. Josh smelled like sweat, and kind of like a forest, but sweeter. But most importantly, he smelled like home. 

Ryan lifted his face minutely so that his words wouldn't be muffled against Josh's neck. "I don't feel obligated. I want to have sex with you. I love you, and I trust you, hero." 

He brought his lips to Josh's, pressing against them gently. It started off innocent. Ryan wrapped his arms around Josh's neck, and kissed him languidly. When Josh licked against his bottom lip, he opened his mouth, allowing Josh's tongue to slide against the roof of his mouth. He couldn't help smiling into it, making the kiss a little awkward. 

Josh pulled away first, and brushed a few stray curls of Ryan’s hair behind his ear. His face was heart-achingly tender. Ryan smiled, even though it came off as more of a grimace, and fingered the bottom hem of his shirt. Josh sensed his anxiety, and put his own hands over Ryan's. He pulled the shirt over his head, exposing Ryan's scrawny chest, and prominent hip bones. Ryan could hear his blood rushing in his ears at feeling so exposed. He hated going shirtless. 

He felt better though, when Josh's hands caressed the skin of his chest and back reverently. He pressed soft kisses against Ryan's shoulder, and started sucking marks into his neck, while Ryan tugged at the bottom of Josh's shirt. Josh quickly caught on, tugging it off without a second thought. 

Even though Ryan had seen Josh shirtless a billion times - sometimes he swore the drummer must be allergic to shirts - he didn’t think he'd ever get used to it. The toned plains and ripples of muscle along his chest, his strong biceps. The hard curve of his slim waist and v-line, that Ryan desperately wanted to taste. 

Ryan let out a squeak of surprise when Josh pushed him gently so that he fell backwards onto the bed behind them. Ryan scooted backwards, and propped himself upon his forearms. He grabbed onto the back of Josh's neck, pulling him up so he could kiss him again. He loved that Josh's body completely covered his, like a protective barrier against the world. 

Ryan whined, high and needy when Josh settled his legs in-between his. His body jolted as they began to grind against each other. Josh's hands were everywhere, tracing the skin of Ryan's torso, like he couldn't get enough. Ryan couldn't help the gasps that fell from his lips as Josh rolled his hips on top of him. Josh only smiled, pressing his lips against Ryan's over and over again, like he was addicted to their taste. But also effectively swallowing the noises Ryan knew he'd be embarrassed of in the morning. 

His hands reached for Josh's belt, clumsily undoing the clasp. As soon as he did, Josh froze on top of him. Ryan's eyes flickered up to Josh's, wide, and terrified that he had done something wrong. But Josh looked at him with concern. "We don't have to do anything," he reiterated. 

Ryan was touched by Josh's patience, and tolerance. But, he couldn't help the flash of fear that crawled its way up his spine. He bit his lip, not wanting to meet Josh's eyes. "Do you not want me?" He asked, voice small. 

He felt, more than actively processed, himself moving away from Josh sharply. He crowded himself against the headboard, sitting up. Josh was quick to follow him, "hey, hey, baby," he shushed. Josh crawled up, and sat next to Ryan on the bed. He put his hand against Ryan's cheek like earlier. "Of course I want you. I want you all the time, you're gorgeous." 

Ryan felt stupid for his outburst, and his cheeks burned red in shame. Josh only kept whispering how beautiful and sexy he was. Ryan turned slightly, reaching for Josh's undone belt once again, slipping it off quickly. He huffed out a frustrated breath as his fingers stumbled over the button and fly. Josh only smiled sweetly. "We have all night, baby. It's okay." 

Ryan pulled Josh's jeans off his hips, and hastily down his legs, so that he was only in his boxers. Once again he was struck by how hot Josh was. Everything about him was strong muscle. He was like a buff sex-god, straight out of a teenage girl fantasy. He had a moment of gratitude that he had found Josh, and that Josh had fallen in love with him. Even though he was still scared about what the future would hold, he knew that the only thing that mattered in the moment was that him and Josh loved each other. 

Josh was quick to reach for Ryan's own belt. He got it off with slightly more ease, pulling it off. Ryan's loose jeans slid easily off his hips, and Ryan kicked them away, so that Josh and him were lying in bed, with only their boxers. They stared at each other, breathing raggedly. Within a second they were pressed against each other. Ryan grabbed onto Josh's hair, moving his mouth greedily against Josh's. His skin felt too small, and he desperately wanted to shed it off. He wanted to crawl inside Josh and stay there forever. He wanted Josh to take him, and consume him. 

Josh tangled his fingers into Ryan's hair, pulling his mouth away by his hair. Ryan let out a breathy moan at his hair being yanked. Josh brought his mouth back to Ryan's pale neck. Some of the marks he made earlier were blooming, a faded red. He traced his tongue over them, and sucked over them, making sure that they were defined, and mostly definitely gonna leave large bruises the next day. 

Ryan grinded against Josh's leg. He felt needy, but was so desperate, wanting Josh everywhere. Josh kissed over his nose, and forehead, hushing him, whispering words of encouragement. Reluctantly, Ryan got enough willpower to move away. He stared at Josh, lips red from spit, his chest heaving rapidly. He met Josh's worried eyes. "Fuck," he swore. "Joshy please, fuck me." 

Josh's eyes darkened, and his eyes scrambled across the room. "Okay," he breathed, voice coming across as nervous as Ryan's for the first time that night. "We need lube, and uh, condoms." 

Josh got up, to rummage to the nightstand that Ryan had pointed to vaguely. He tripped a little over the discarded pants on the floor, before reaching the drawer. Ryan couldn't help the tiny surprised giggle that bubbled from the back of his throat. Josh smiled, and his eyes trailed up Ryan's body. Instead of feeling self-conscious he felt fire lick up everywhere Josh's gaze trailed over. In a moment of confidence, he trailed his hand down to the bulge in his boxers, that Josh was practically burning a hole into with his eyes. He palmed against it, throwing his head back and letting out a soft moan at the contact. His dick throbbed at the idea of Josh watching him. 

At the sound of Ryan's moan, Josh growled, hurriedly rummaging through the drawer, finding the bottle of lube and box of condoms. He threw them onto the bed, before practically tackling Ryan. His lips attached to Ryan's in a kiss that was a lot rougher than any of the other ones they had shared that night. It was a mess of spit and tongue, with a hint of teeth. Josh's hand covered Ryan's over his bulge. "So fucking beautiful" he murmured. Ryan let out a few high pitched moans, before Josh took his hand, pressing into against his own bulge. "See what you do to me baby? You're so gorgeous, baby. Prettiest thing I've ever seen, think about touching you all day long," his mouth rambled off. Ryan groaned, reaching for the box of condoms. 

"Shit," he said, eyeing the box, "hope these aren't expired."

He felt Josh smirk against the skin of his neck and gave him the bird. "Possessive asshole," he grumbled with no malice behind it, his blood still running hot. He pulled one out from the box and grabbed the lube, handing it to Josh. The magnitude of what was happening washed over both of them, sobering the attitude. 

"I love you," Josh told him. 

Ryan smiled, settling against the sheets. "I love you too." 

His worries were quieted, as Josh tenderly ran his fingers all up and down Ryan's sides. Like he was savoring the feel. Josh slipped his hands under the waistband of Ryan's boxers. He gently slid them off, throwing them somewhere on the floor. Ryan fought the urge to cover himself; he felt exposed and vulnerable. 

Josh though, just took of his own boxers, so that they were both naked. Josh's hand slid down so that it covered Ryan's dick. He wrapped his hand around Ryan’s length, jerking it off slowly. Ryan keened, thrusting into Josh's hand. "Fuck, Joshy, please," he moaned, scrambling to find purchase by grabbing onto Ryan's shoulders. 

Josh leaned his head down, kissing Ryan's shoulder. "God, can't wait to suck you off baby." His words were private, whispered against the shell of Ryan's ear. "Think about it a lot. Making you moan, and come. You'd be so pretty too. Prettiest boy I've ever seen." Ryan's hips jerked into Ryan's hands, his body thrumming with need at Josh's words. 

"Please," Ryan breathed, voice raising in pitch as he squirmed. "Please, you gotta," his words were cut off by a moan. "You gotta fuck me or I'm not gonna last-" 

Josh pulled his hand away reluctantly. Ryan's head was rushing, and all the muscles in his body were tense. He attempted to relax as Josh placed soft pecks against his lips, and covered his fingers with the lube. That's when Ryan noticed Josh's hands were shaking. He entangled Josh's non-lubed hand with his own. "Hey, I trust you." 

Josh gave Ryan one of his dazzling sunshine smiles. The kind that make Ryan's knees weak every time. Josh let out a nervous laugh. "I've just never been with a guy, you know? At least, not, not like this." 

Ryan nodded, realizing this was a first time of sorts for Josh. He couldn't help but giggle slightly, catching Josh off guard. 

"What?" Josh asked, while Ryan flailed his arm helplessly. 

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm laughing," he wheezed. "It's just. I'm the cougar who's taking your virginity." Ryan collapsed a little, shaking with laughter as he hid his face in Josh's chest. Josh rubbed his back, letting out a small chuckle of his own. 

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up." He mocked offense.

Ryan sniffled, apologizing weakly. “Sorry, I’m just really nervous.” 

Josh kissed the top of his head, before rolling so that he was on top of him. “Is this okay?” He asked, and held up his hand. Ryan swallowed thickly, before nodding. Josh waited, and eventually Ryan managed a “yes” before spreading his legs. Josh let out a breath before kissing along Ryan’s thighs. “So beautiful,” he insisted. “You’re so good baby.” 

Ryan fisted the sheets, trying to keep his hips from jerking, since Josh’s mouth, and breath were so close to his cock. Josh, after what felt like years to Ryan slipped one of his fingers into the tight ring of muscle. Even though Josh’s hand was covered in a shit-ton of lube his finger still burned, and Ryan’s body rejected the intrusion. He couldn’t help but squirm a little, knowing that soon it’d feel good. 

Josh was still pressing kisses against Ryan’s hip bone, alternating between licking, and sucking the sensitive skin there. “So good, baby. You’re doing so good.” 

Ryan closed his eyes as Josh slipped in another finger. The burn was subsiding, and his body was beginning to tingle. He hummed, grinding his hips a little against Josh’s fingers. Josh started twisting his fingers, and let out a frustrated huff, at not being able to find Ryan’s prostate right away. Ryan was about to suggest changing the angle, when Josh’s finger curled up, hitting Ryan right in the middle of his prostate, hard. 

Ryan’s mouth fell open, and he let out a loud moan, and grinded his hips down. “God Ryan,” Josh moaned himself. “So fucking hot.” Ryan opened his eyes, as Josh continuously pressed against his prostate. As he stared into Josh’s eyes, he felt hot. Josh wanted him, and he was addicted to the look on Josh’s face that was directed at him. 

“Please Joshy,” Ryan whined, squirming against the continuous tingling waves of Josh rubbing his prostate. He turned his head back and forth, gasping into the sheets. “Fuck me, please. I want to feel you so bad. I need you in me, Joshy, Joshy please,” he chanted, saying Josh’s name like a prayer. 

Josh slowly pulled out his fingers, causing Ryan to whine softly in the back of his throat. He was okay with the emptiness though, because he knew what it meant. Since Josh seemed to be taking his sweet time, Ryan grabbed the lubed condom, and ripped it open with his teeth. He pinched the top and rolled it onto Josh’s length, staring into his eyes the whole time. 

Josh grabbed onto Ryan’s hair, causing him to let out a high-pitched girly moan as Josh tugged him so that he was laying down again. Josh grabbed a pillow, and shoved it under Ryan’s hips so that he was propped up. “Gonna make you feel so good, baby,” Josh promised. Ryan spread his legs as far as he could, and wrapped his arms around Josh’s neck. 

Josh began entering him, and went as slow as possible. It didn’t burn as much as Ryan had been expecting, and he let his head fall back, enjoying feeling full. As Josh pushed in, he let out a series of broken off moans, that made Ryan smile. After he was all the way in, he panted against Ryan’s neck. The air from his breath hit the wetness of Ryan’s skin from Josh’s spit, and several hickey’s, causing him to shiver. 

“Fuck,” Josh groaned, “You’re so fucking tight.” 

Ryan groaned, rolling his hips, telling Josh that it was okay to move. Josh caught on pretty quickly. He pulled out, and then shoved back in slowly. At the first thrust Ryan and Josh both moaned. “I love you,” Ryan told Josh, his voice husky. 

Josh pecked his lips. “I love you so much, Ry.” 

Ryan felt raw, as if someone had opened up his chest, leaving his heart, and all of its contents bare. He was giving his everything to Josh, and was overcome by so many emotions of love, and gratitude. But mostly, happiness. Josh thumbed away the sweaty hair that was beginning to stick to Ryan’s forehead. “Never gonna’ leave you,” Josh groaned, his thrusts picking up in pace. “I’m keeping you forever, you’re so beautiful. God, Ry. I love you so much,” he mumbled, his mouth falling open slightly in a moan. 

Ryan pulled tighter, all of Josh’s words going to his head, causing a rush. He was holding onto Josh as tight as he could, trying to keep himself grounded. He loved him so much. He never wanted to give him up either. He let out a cry, that was close to a sob as Josh hit his prostate after a hard thrust. “Oh god, don’t stop,” he gasped, eyes rolling into the back of his head, rolling his hips in desperation. 

Josh buried his face into Ryan’s neck, and grabbed onto his hips tightly, picking up his thrusts to an almost punishing pace. Ryan felt the sharp twist in his stomach. He wasn’t going to be able to last much longer, with Josh slamming into him, whispering “mine,” over and over into his ear. 

Ryan let out a series of “ah, ah, ah’s” along with every thrust, tears pulling in his eyes at how good it felt, and how much he wanted Josh to stay in him forever. “Joshy, I’m gonna-” he warned. Josh only kept going, thrusting his hips.

“Come for me baby, I wanna,” he groaned. “I wanna see you come.” 

Ryan’s jaw dropped in a silent moan as he came all over himself. He felt like he was falling apart, but being put together all at the same time. He had a mess of emotions all swarming his head, tangling all his thoughts. His body did relax though, limbs falling like noodles. He brushed his fingers into Josh’s pink hair, as his thrusts grew more erratic. He let out a few mewling sounds as Josh’s thrusts caused waves of over-sensitivity to wrack through him. 

Ryan pressed their lips together. “Come on, Joshy.” He mumbled against his lips. “I’m all yours, and only yours. Wanna feel you come inside me, please.” 

Josh’s hips stuttered, and with a long groan Ryan felt him release inside the condom. When Josh went to pull out Ryan only grabbed onto him tighter. His fingers clawed at Josh’s back, and his legs wrapped around his waist, keeping him inside. Josh didn't question, or even comment on the fact that Ryan didn't want him out of him just yet. Their breaths steadied as they laid together, covered in sweat and come. 

When Ryan realized he had kept Josh trapped for far too long, he reluctantly relaxed, even though he didn't want to break any physical contact with Josh at all. He felt like he needed it. That Josh was inside of him now. He was never going to be able to let him go. 

Josh took off the condom, and threw it away. He then got up and left the room without another word. Ryan panicked, sitting up in bed. His mind flickered through the whole ordeal and started gnawing over anything he could’ve done wrong. He knew he was being irrational, but that didn't calm his breath stuttering in his lungs. It wasn't until he was on the verge of a panic attack did Josh return to the room. 

He came back in, a washcloth in hand, and bright smiled on his face. It dropped though as soon as he saw Ryan. “Baby?” He asked, as he got closer to the bed. 

Ryan reached for him, and Josh immediately climbed onto the bed and enveloped him into his arms, cradling his head to his chest. The washcloth damned, resting on the bed, getting the sheets damp. 

“Fuck,” Ryan choked, feeling tears prickling his eyes, and a few sliding down his face. “You left, god you left, you were gone and I can't” he rambled over and over. “Don't do that. Don't leave.” 

Josh shushed him, kissing him sweetly “Oh baby, I'm sorry. I wasn't leaving. I was only getting a washcloth. I won't do it again. You're okay.”

Ryan nodded, still shaking, holding onto Josh as right as he could. “He would always leave afterwards,” he admitted, hating the tears spilling. But, he was so vulnerable and he didn't want to ever leave Josh’s arms. 

“Who?” Josh asked, rubbing circles onto Ryan’s arms. 

“B-Brendon.” Ryan stuttered, even though he hated talking about him. He could feel Josh’s arms get impossibly tighter around his scrawny frame, and burrowed closer. 

Josh kisses the top of his head, still rocking him. “I'm never gonna leave you, okay? I love you, so much.” 

“I love you too,” Ryan replied without any hesitation. 

After holding him for a few more seconds, Josh reached for the washcloth. “I'm gonna clean us up now, okay baby?” 

“Okay, Hero.” Ryan responded sleepily, his body starting to get tired from the emotional roller-coaster of feelings he seemed to be on that night.

. . .

“They all cheated on me,” Ryan said sometime around four AM. “Or at least, in some way. Three of them actually did sleep with other people. One of them, Keltie, fuck, I don’t get it. I was gonna ask her to marry me but then she accused me of cheating instead. I think she just wanted a way out of the relationship. I think she was looking for an escape that would allow her to come out unscathed and even pitied. Even if it meant making me out to be the villain.”

Josh nodded and drew smiley faces into Ryan’s rib cage. “What about the last girl?” he asked. “Helena?”

Ryan shook his head. “Didn’t work out. She was looking for a way out, too. Said that I was crazy. That I couldn’t handle being with a person because I was too obsessed with being myself.”

“That sounds like bullshit,” Josh deadpanned.

“It probably was,” Ryan agreed with a snort. “I could tell she wanted out. She started talking about this other guy she was falling for. That she was in love with even while she was with me. Said she was too young for me. That she actually believed in hope and shit and that I was…dead inside, I think. I don’t remember if she said that exactly. But the whole time, she sounded like she still cared about me. She and I left on good terms.”

“Have you ever thought that maybe it was never really you they were unhappy with?” Josh asked softly. When Ryan looked confused, he explained. “That they were unhappy with themselves. So they kept bouncing from person to person until they either settled with who they were or whoever made them feel the best. They didn’t hate you or anything, they just hated themselves, and they took it out on you with their self destructive tendencies.”

“Even if that’s the truth, it doesn’t make me feel better,” Ryan sighed.

“What I want to know about is Brendon,” Josh confessed. “I mean, I’ve been friends with him for a pretty long time and only ever knew what happened through him. But as I’ve gotten to know you, I’ve really begun to see these holes in the stories. He told me you left him, but when I asked about how you broke up with him, he said you didn’t. And that doesn’t make sense.”

Ryan grimaced. “The split between him and I happened because my dad died along with a lot of bad things happening together. I-I didn’t handle it well, became reclusive and moodier. My dad was never good to me, but I still felt orphaned in a way that would sometimes make it impossible to get out of bed. Brendon isn’t like that. Even when he’s upset, he's out and about and raising hell. He wasn’t satisfied with me and my basically nonexistent interest in sex. He slept with girls and shit and I caught him a few times, but never confronted him. I was too much of a coward.” Ryan looked down between their chests. “…Eventually, it just came to a head. I thought he was done with me for good, so I dated Greta. Then he blew up at me and said I was the one who was cheating and all this bullshit. I told him of all the times I’d caught him, then we started fighting about everything. About Spencer and his drugs, about the way Jon kept telling me I could do better, about the music…it was all just a mess.”

Josh nodded and lifted Ryan’s head to meet his eyes. “For what it’s worth,” he said. “I’m not glad it happened, but I’m glad you and I came from it.”

Ryan smiled and kissed him. “Thanks for not listening to Brendon,” he said. “He tells a really good story.”

Josh chuckled. “I’ve never been a good listener anyways.”  
. . .

The first time Ryan was recognized outside as Josh’s boyfriend came as a huge shock to him. After coming out, Josh had taken a ton of stupid selfies, obsessed with the idea of people seeing him and Ryan be cute and intimate and kissing and shit. Josh loved showing that he was Ryan’s and Ryan was his. Josh loved having a shit ton of photos up every fucking day, all of them taken with Ryan. 

Ryan had been shopping for groceries, buying a lot of bell peppers because Josh wanted to start learning to cook after his parents had dogged him about feeding Ryan a little better. He’d been choosing between red and another shade of red when a girl had jumped into his peripherals and asked for a picture. Ryan had taken the picture. listening to her gush about the old days of Panic!, and then expected to be left alone, but she said something Ryan had never heard before.

“You and Josh are so cute,” she giggled. “You look so happy together. Oh my gosh, I wish you guys would tour together.” She’d left after that, waving goodbye and saying a few more things Ryan didn’t catch. Ryan watched her go blankly, and couldn’t really choose a bell pepper.

“And she said we’re cute?” Josh asked later at the apartment, grinning. “She’s right. We are cute. We’re really fucking cute.”

“It was weird,” Ryan said. “I mean, I’m just, like, Ryan Ross. That guitarist. I’ve never been more than that.”

“That guitarist?” Josh repeated incredulously. “Dude, you fucking made that band. You wrote and composed the first album. You got Pete to sign you guys. You’re more than just the guitarist, you’re the fucking band at its roots. Sure, Brendon has made a name for himself now, and his shit is good, but he wouldn’t be there without you. Not like he is now.” Josh took Ryan’s hands in his own and kissed him softly. “You’re more than just that guitarist. You’re Ryan. The amazing hockey player, the musical genius, and the love of my life.”

Ryan sighed softly. “Promise?”

Josh kissed him again. “Cross my heart.”

. . .

“I’m not sure it’s a good idea for all of us to have lunch together,” Josh suddenly said as he and Ryan sat at the reserved table in the more private section of Olive Garden. They were ten minutes early, and therefore, present before the others. Ryan frowned at him.

“Dude, it was your idea,” he said. “You wanted to do this. Get everyone together before the holidays because you won’t have time afterwards with touring. You figured it’d be good to get it all done at once.”

“Having you and Brendon over at the same dinner is what’s not a good idea,” Josh clarified. 

Ryan faltered. “What? You don’t trust me?” He sat stiffly. “I’m not gonna start any fucking fights.”

“I know you won’t.”

“Brendon won’t start any fights either.”

“It’s not you two that I’m worried about.”

Ryan frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m not worried Brendon’s gonna start a fight, I’m worried I’m gonna start fights with Brendon,” Josh said like the words were being dragged from him. Ryan arched a brow. “Brendon just says shit,” Josh mumbled, slouching a little. “And sometimes I say shit back, and even worse, fights get started. I don’t want that. I don’t want to make things worse completely on my own.”

Ryan snorted. “Are you kidding me? You don’t know how to start a fight.”

“I can start any fight that I wanna start,” Josh defended. “I can tear Brendon limb from limb. I’m a drummer by trade,unlike him. I can beat that guy’s scrawny ass with one arm behind my back. I can do anything as long as I have you at my side, okay? I can take on the fucking world and not even miss a step. I can do anything with you.” Josh squeezed Ryan’s hand under the table. “I just… Don’t want to see you get hurt in the process.”

Ryan smiled sadly. “I’ve been hurt before. And I know how to handle it. You don’t have to worry about me.”

Josh opened his mouth to argue, but Brendon was suddenly in the same room as Ryan, and Ryan’s heart did that thing where he felt like he was dying from panic. But he quickly quelled the anxiety and smiled, especially when Sarah followed him in, along with Tyler and Jenna and a little baby girl in a carrier. Then Pete was behind them, and fuck, okay, Ryan was wrong to think he could do this. He couldn’t fucking do this, couldn’t face fucking Pete, he wasn’t…

“Hey, Ryan,” Tyler greeted brightly, sitting down beside Josh. “Fancy meeting you here. Should I expect to see more of you?” Tyler smirked to Josh and winked. “I didn’t know you two were dating. How cute is that?”

“Glad to know you’ve forgotten me already,” Ryan teased back, nudging Tyler under the table. He could handle Tyler. Tyler talked about hockey, and traded dumb puns with him and recommended new books to read, while reading the ones Ryan recommended in return. They were friends. Fuck, some days Ryan would just text Tyler constantly, saying stupid shit and making fun of Josh in good humor. Ryan could handle Tyler.

“So I fucking love the caesar salad dressing here,” Tyler said. “And I was wondering if I could maybe douse your hair in it and suck on the strands of your hair for the ichor of the divine?”

Ryan snorted a laugh. Tyler would often say completely ridiculous things to help other people when they were stressed or upset. This was no different. Tyler probably knew Ryan hadn’t known Pete was going to show up on top of everything. Ryan felt like he’d been kicked in the balls or something equally fucking awful. Pete sat down across the table and Ryan didn’t know how he was gonna get through this without making direct eye contact numerous times. 

Josh’s hand tightened on Ryan’s thigh and Ryan forced himself to breathe.

“God, I’m gonna eat so many fucking breadsticks,” Tyler said. “Just shove them down my throat.”

“Fuck yeah,” Ryan agreed, grabbing a breadstick as Tyler did the same. He would prefer to eat his cares away. Tyler and him touched the tips of their breadsticks together, doing this “cheers” thing they did with food sometimes, whenever they were feeling playful. Ryan was about to bring the food to his mouth when Brendon snickered at him.

“You always were good at that sort of thing,” Brendon said, and Ryan would’ve normally laughed at Brendon’s dumb joke if he weren’t so stressed out. Josh stood for it even less.

“Watch your fucking mouth,” Josh said, sneering at Brendon. Ryan blinked owlishly in surprise and looked to Josh. 

“W-what?” Brendon faltered. “Jesus, Josh, I didn’t say anything.”

“You said he’s a slut who sucks cock,” Josh accused with a growl.

“What the fuck, he did not,” Ryan interrupted, about to start laughing. 

“He was thinking it,” Josh insisted. “He can’t say those things about you. Maybe he and you were a thing back in the day, and maybe who knew who you were back then better than I ever could, but I know who you are now, and that’s what matters. I know the Ryan that exists today and I loved him more than Brendon ever could because I can say that I know who is he now, and not just then.”

Everyone stared at Josh like he’d grown a second head that was screaming the language of sharks.

“Holy crap,” Tyler said. “Joshy, are you jealous?”

Josh’s cheeks flushed. “What? N-no. No! Why would I be jealous? Brendon’s married, and I’m the one who falls asleep with Ryan and wakes up with him the next day. I got the last laugh. Or, uh…the last kiss?”

“Jesus, you are jealous,” Tyler laughed. 

“Who would be jealous of Ryan?” Brendon join in, also laughing. Josh’s expression went from embarrassed to murderous in nothing flat, and the look he sent Brendon sent chills down Ryan’s spine. Brendon stopped laughing and held his hands up. “Sorry, sorry, that was a dick thing to say. My bad.”

“Damn, Dun,” Pete chuckled. “Putting Brendon in his place since twenty sixteen.”

“Ryan’s been shit on enough in his life,” Josh huffed, sitting back in his seat and crossing his arms over his chest. “I’ve only just been able to get him to really look himself in the eye in the mirror. I don’t want any of you assholes making things bad again. No offense,” he added, glancing between Brendon and Pete. “You’re both great people, you just weren’t so great to Ryan.”

Brendon didn’t say anything, but Pete smiled sadly. “Can’t say you’re wrong,” Pete admitted a little unhappily. “But hey. While I know saying I’m sorry isn’t enough, I’ll say it anyways.” He nodded to Ryan across the table. “I’m sorry. I made quite a few mistakes back then. Just hope you didn’t lose too much sleep over it all.”

Ryan didn’t want to tell Pete that he considered just killing himself entirely after some of the betrayals he’d been faced with. He didn’t want to tell Pete how he’d cried for hours, then screamed at the walls and demanded answers from people who were absent and would be absent for the rest of his life. Until this fucking dinner, that is. 

“Apology accepted,” Ryan said instead. 

“Now that that’s out of the way,” Tyler said once silence fell over the table for longer than three seconds. “I still intend to eat dressing from Ryan’s hair. Can we order?”

“Please,” Ryan said, looking to his. Still, Josh’s hand was on his thigh and Pete had said sorry for something Ryan had never expected to receive an apology for. This dinner didn’t seem like such a fucking failure after all.

. . .

“Hey, Ryan,” Pete called out as everyone was preparing to split ways. “I, uh… Could I talk to you?”

Ryan noticeably hesitated and Josh made to stand in front of Ryan in this weird protective stance, but Pete waved at the air. “Not necessary, guys. I legitimately just want to talk. No throwing of barbs or nothing, I promise.”

Ryan stepped away from Josh and went to where Pete was standing off to the side, obviously going for some semblance of privacy. “So, uh, I’ve been thinking,” Pete began. “And it’s not hidden thing that I don’t really like who I was back in the day, you know? Two thousands without the double digits. I wasn’t in a great headspace always and I definitely didn’t do the right thing most of the time because I was pretty caught up in, like…myself.” He shrugged. “And you guys. But. That could change fucking whenever and I honestly feel awful, especially after hearing from others how badly what I did affected you. So I wanted to formally extend my apology. Namely, for going behind your back on the album and choosing sides and stuff. You were a friend to me long before Brendon ever was, and yet I threw that aside for the things I thought were more colorful. I’m sorry.”

Ryan was a little surprised. “Wait, really? You mean it?” Pete definitely wasn’t the type of guy to blatantly apologize for anything. He was more of the silently forgive and blatantly forget type. He couldn’t think of a time that he’d ever received a legitimate apology from Pete. It wasn’t like it was a really bad thing about Pete, it was just…it was Pete. Ryan never expected an apology and there was no resentment behind its absence. 

“See, that?” Pete sighed. “That genuine disbelief that I would apologize. I hate that I created that expectation in you. I hate that you honestly believe I wouldn’t have ever apologize. I hate that. I really fucking hate it.”

“And that’s my fault, how?” Ryan asked with an arched brow, crossing his arms over his chest defensively. 

Pete sighed again. “It isn’t. I’m sorry.”

“I never looked down on you for not apologizing,” Ryan clarified because he felt like Pete didn’t really deserve to feel like a shitty person now that he was trying not to be a shitty person. “I just knew it wasn’t something you could stomach. You’ve lived your life having your words second guessed and thrown in your face. If you’d ever gone back on something you’d said or done by apologizing, people would’ve thought you weren’t assured or confident in anything and then they wouldn’t listen. You were pinning your reliability on your words and actions and couldn't afford to seem unsure. I get it.”

Pete smiled softly as he listened to Ryan speak. “Kid, you always were smarter than me.” He pulled out his phone. “What’s your number? I’ve broken so many phones and lost so many numbers. I didn’t have my dad’s cell for an entire year once.” He handed Ryan his phone. “Plug it in. I’ll write mine on your arm.”

Ryan laughed and did as told, a small warmth growing in his chest. Out of everyone he’d lost, Pete was one of the people he regretted not rebuilding a bridge to the most.

. . .

“This is it,” Josh said as he and Ryan boarded their flight to Ohio. “Ryan Ross enters his first flight in the past five years. How are you feeling?” He held out an invisible microphone to Ryan, lips pursed in an analytical expression like he was some kind of journalist.

“Fuck you,” Ryan deadpanned.

“How hard?” Josh asked. “Reporter Dun, asking the real questions.” Josh kept the straight face only a second longer before he broke into peals of giggles and nudged Ryan with his shoulder. “C’mon, baby, it’s just a plane. We were more likely to die in the car on the way here. And then Tyler would’ve died, and that would’ve been the end of the fucking world, you know. We’re gonna be okay.”

“You’re acting like I’m nervous,” Ryan snorted as people got off the plane they’d soon be boarding. “I’m not. I’ve flown plenty, I just prefer not to. It feels like something is lost when you cheat and take to the skies. Sure, the view is nice, but there’s more to see on the ground. More to experience. I can’t visit the world’s largest Paul Bunyan statue from a fucking plane.”

“Paul Bunyan?” Josh scrunched his nose. “Dude, that’s weird. Do you have something for bears that I should know about? Should I grow a beard? Oh my god, do you like beard rash when someone goes down on you? On your thighs?” Josh gasped softly. “It’s like a whole new world with you every day, Ry. I learn something new every twenty four hours and it’s been basically a year.” Josh smiled softly at him. “I’m excited to spend Christmas with you.”

“I’m excited to embarrass myself in front of literally every single person who’s important to you,” Ryan replied.

“Nah, they’ll embarrass me.”

Thirty minutes later, and they were boarding. Ryan watched LA disappear as they entered the clouds and hoped Dan would take good care of Dottie, while at the same time wishing that he would come back feeling a little better about his and Josh’s longevity. He’d wanted to bring up something more long term for ages. He was still nervous about Josh moving in. He wanted it to happen already, but he knew he had to be patient for the end of the tour. 

Ryan sighed and Josh took that as his cue to kiss him.

“It’s gonna be fun,” was all Josh said. Ryan nodded and Josh put in his headphones to fall asleep for the rest of the flight.

. . .

Ashley, Abigail, Jordan, and Josh. Ryan wanted to applaud Josh’s parents for their originality. He wondered if his parents had thought about Ryan’s name beyond the fact that he had to carry on a fucking lineage. He knew Pete liked being the third of something, but Ryan had always felt like he was just expected to be a copy of the original. That Ryan was supposed to be like the other Georges in his family. It was why he went by his middle name and not that fucking curse of a first name.

Ashley, Abigail, Jordan, and Josh. 

Ryan had to work hard not to stumble over the names. Jordan was giving Ryan the cold shoulder, Ashley basically outright made fun of Ryan’s clothes, and Abigail just smiled, waved, and looked back to her phone. Mr. and Mrs. Dun commented on Ryan’s weight again, and all of the Christmas decorations made Ryan uncomfortable. He was sleeping alone in the guest room while Josh slept with Jordan in the room they shared when they were kids.

He stared at the ceiling and tried not to lose his cool. 

This house was a horrible reminder of memories he cried over not having as a child. The Christmases Ryan never got to celebrate, the trees he never got to decorate, the warmth he never felt in his house. Going to Spencer’s wasn’t the same and he stopped going to the Smith’s for Christmas in the seventh grade because it just reminded him of what he didn’t have. He felt a little like it was his own fault, too. Like maybe, if he’d been a better son, his father would give him a Christmas to celebrate. Maybe if he’d gotten his mother to stay, he would have a christmas in the first place. Maybe he could be have had christmas if he was loved.

Ryan realized he was crying in an unfamiliar room with Josh too far away to help him and he was too scared to call out for help. He couldn’t even seek Josh out, because Jordan was in the same room. Ryan didn’t want to cross any boundaries and make Josh’s parents mad and Josh’s siblings hate him even more. 

Fuck, but he needed Josh.

Ryan brought his hands up to cover his face and cried into his palms, shaking with the effort to stifle his crying. He brought his knees up on the bed and took in a breath so shaky that it felt like he was hyperventilating. Ryan’s hand slapped out to his left and he grabbed one of the throw pillows, holding it over his face because his hands weren’t making him quiet enough. He wanted to break something, or scream, or thrash around, or set something on fire. The pain in his chest was suffocating him better than the pillow over his face and he was going to die like this.

“Baby?”

Ryan’s leg kicked out and he had a flashback of knocking that table into the pool when he first met Josh. Ryan looked up through tearful eyes and sniffled, biting his lower lip to keep it from trembling. Josh let out this soft noise and slid onto the bed, wrapping his arms around Ryan regardless of the covers separating them. 

“What’s wrong, baby?” he asked softly. “Why are you crying?”

Ryan shook his head and refused to be that crying little baby that dumped all his problems on others. He didn’t want to become some sort of burden. “I-I’m fine.”

“You’re crying, Ry,” Josh murmured. “That’s the furthest from fine you can be. And I know you. You don’t like to cry. Especially with strangers around. Just tell me what’s bothering you, you know I won’t look down on you.” He kissed Ryan’s neck softly and pulled Ryan’s head to his own. “You can trust me. You can always trust me.”

“I don’t know,” Ryan choked out. He ran a hand through his hair and tried to calm down. “Fuck, Josh. Fuck. I-I can’t calm down. I can’t do this. I need to go home.”

Josh looked hurt in the darkness of the room. “You want to go?”

“I _have to_ ,” he stressed. “I can’t do this, Joshy, I-I’m not able to do this. I’m not strong enough. I don’t know how to be with a family, I don’t know how to do any of this. I’ve barely even had a real fucking Christmas, Joshy, I can’t be expected to do this and not make your family fucking hate me in the process.” He wanted to curl up in Josh’s arms, but denied himself the comfort. He needed to face this like a man and take his punishment for being a fucking failure of a human being.

“Talk to me, baby,” Josh prodded. “Just, just talk to me.”

“I’ve told you about my parents,” Ryan said. “I’ve told you how fucking shitty growing up was. I’ve never experienced anything like this, I’ve never experienced a real holiday. This past Thanksgiving? With you? That was the first time I’d ever done something like that, with the huge dinner and the cranberry sauce and the nap after eating my fucking heart out. I’d never done that. I’ve never had a Christmas stocking. I’ve never had a Christmas tree. I’ve never had any of this, a-and I’m overwhelmed. Scared. Stressed out and sick to my stomach. Because soon your family will see what a fucking mess I am and hate me for it.”

“God, Ryan,” Josh murmured. “You are so fucking damaged.”

Ryan recoiled and tried to sit up, ready to pack his bag and catch a flight back to LA with or without Josh. But Josh grabbed his upper arm and pulled him back onto the bed. 

“I didn't mean it like that,” Josh soothed gently. “I didn’t mean to insult you. I just meant that you’ve got so many problems and insecurities and you’ve earned every single one of them, you really have, but you have to let me patch you up. You gotta let me get out the bandaids, you know? I’m gonna make you feel better. I’m gonna make you love yourself. You just have to trust me enough to let me hold the needle and stitch you up. I promise I can sew.”

“This isn’t a joke,” Ryan whispered, trying not to keep crying. He felt pathetic enough. He didn't want Josh to make fun of him.

“I know it isn’t,” Josh murmured. “Honestly? I would’ve suggested therapy if I knew it wouldn’t set you off. Which is why I’m not gonna formally suggest it. But Ryan, I’m not making fun of you. I know this is serious. Deadly fucking serious.” He reached out and caressed Ryan’s cheek. “Baby, I love you so much. I just want to help you. I think you’re so fucking brave and strong and I’m so happy you’re here. And you have to believe me when I say that the opinions of my family will do absolutely nothing to sway my love for you. They could call you awful things, and I would still call you the love of my life. Okay? Nothing can take me from you. Not even the family of my childhood, because you’re the family of my future.”

Ryan finally let go. He sobbed and hid his face in Josh’s chest, crying his heart out as quietly as possible. Josh rubbed his back to calm him, and Ryan fell asleep in Josh’s arms. He didn’t care if Josh’s parents would be upset over them sharing a bed. He needed Josh and Josh was kind enough to give him what he needed.

. . .

“Ryan’s stocking has to go by Josh’s,” Abigail argued “It’d be weird if he didn’t!”

“He’s older than us,” Jordan replied indignantly. “He has to go in front of all of us. We put them up by age, it’s how it’s always been.”

“Don’t rock the boat, Abby,” Ashley said.

“No, Abby, rock the boat,” Josh encouraged. “Ryan’s stoking needs to be next to mine.”

Ryan was just shocked he had a stocking. He held the handmaid Christmas sock in his hand, looking it over. It was decorated with felt musical notes and a sticker of a beagle. The stocking was red and long and Ryan rubbed his thumbs over the soft material, taking in the feeling it brought to his chest. It wasn’t a good feeling, it was just something new.

“He has to be in front of us because we’re going by age,” Ashley huffed. 

“You just want to be next to your boy toy,” Jordan accused. Josh shrugged with a smirk and didn’t deny a thing. “God, look at your smug face, I was right! We can’t put him next to Josh’s stocking or else they’ll gay up the place.”

“Jordan!” Mrs. Dun snapped.

“Watch your tongue,” Mr. Dun said sharply.

“I’ll fucking kick your ass if you say something like that again,” Josh threatened. 

Jordan hunched his shoulders and didn’t meet the eyes of anyone. Ryan imagined it had to be hard to grow up strictly religious and remain religious, only to be met with your brother dating some random man while insisting he wasn’t into men at all. Ryan was still a little in awe that Josh’s parents hadn’t tried to disown him after finding out Josh was with a boy, even if Josh was a legal, independent adult. Josh was pretty lucky. 

“We can put Ryan’s stocking next to Josh’s,” Ashley said softly, looking to Ryan apologetically. “Didn’t mean to start anything. I’m sorry.”

She held out her hand for Ryan’s stocking, and he handed it over with a shake of his head. “It’s okay,” Ryan said, knowing she was apologizing for her brother. “I’ve had a lot worse said about me.”

“I used to listen to your music all the time,” Abigail said. “Mom and Dad would get mad at me whenever they found the Fever CD. They’d make me listen to Reliant K and Jump 5 in retaliation.” Josh’s Mom just rolled her eyes, continuing to prepare dinner. It was midday on Christmas Eve and snowing outside. The tree was decorated and Ryan still felt so out of place.

“Don’t tell my mom,” Abby faux-whispered. “But I definitely had a crush on you growing up.” She sipped at her eggnog. “Seeing you in my living room is a dream come true. Of several different types of dreams.”

Ryan just kinda stared at her.

She snorted and walked away. “Don’t make a big deal out of it. Josh will totally start a fight.”

“Why would I start a fight?” Josh asked. “What happened?”

“Your sister had a crush on me?” Ryan asked more than stated.

Josh looked to her with narrowed eyes and a wide mouth. “Don’t you dare,” he threatened, jabbing his finger in her direction. “That boy? Mine. Absolutely and totally mine. You cannot get anywhere close to what we have. You hear me?”

Abby raised her hands up in mock defense, but smirked. “Watch out, Joshy. I might just steal your man.”

Ryan scoffed, and said, “you wish,” before he could stop himself. Abby pouted and Josh jeered, putting his arm around Ryan’s waist, kissing his cheek. Josh whispered something in Ryan’s ear that Ryan couldn’t really understand, but he blushed anyways, because the brush of Josh’s breath against his ear was tantalizing. He wanted to turn and catch Josh’s lips with his own, but figured it would be inappropriate. He settled for turned his head and just smiled softly at Josh. Josh leaned in towards Ryan and kissed him gently. Ryan blushed faintly in the warm light of the living room and looked past Josh’s ear to see his stocking being hung up next to Josh’s on the fireplace.

. . .

“Ryan, hey,” Josh murmured, nudging him into wakefulness. “Wake up.”

Ryan groaned and tried to push him away.

“You gotta look outside, baby,” Josh whispered, rubbing up and down Ryan’s side. 

Ryan sighed, long and loud, and forced his eyes open. He sat up and squinted, before getting up and trudging to the window. It was still dark and he absently hoped he wouldn’t stub his toe in the unfamiliar layout of the guest room. Josh had snuck in again last night, wanting to avoid Ryan having another panic attack. The gentle, reassuring touch of Josh’s body throughout the entire night had apparently been enough to keep Ryan in a deep, peaceful slumber. He glanced to the clock and saw it was six in the morning before finally looking through the blinds to the world outside.

Ryan slowly woke up at what he saw.

The world was covered in a sheet of untouched white that sparkled like glitter under the pale glow of the moon. The world had never looked so quiet and still and peaceful in a way so deep that it was almost like death had lied over the world like a cloak. It was harrowingly beautiful and Ryan felt his fingertips numb from the cold he saw. He had a sudden urge to run outside and scar the perfect blanket of snow with his own footsteps. He wanted to be the first sign of life in this dead world.

“Wanna go outside?” Josh asked softly. Ryan nodded, happy Josh was so in tune with his weird thoughts.

“Never had a white Christmas before,” he commented idly. “I always thought the songs were stupid. That it wasn’t an amazing as they said it was. But this…now that I know what it’s like? It’s weird. I’ve never thought I’d missed something I’d never experienced.”

Josh came up behind Ryan and wrapped his arms around him from behind, burrowing his face in Ryan’s shoulder. “You know we’re here for you, right?”

Ryan frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I wanted you to experience a homely Christmas,” Josh explained. “I wanted you to know what it was like to have a family. Even if it isn’t exactly your family, I still wanted you to understand and have some sort of experience to draw off of. Some sort of happiness associated with the holiday. You said you don’t know how to do Christmas, and while that’s pretty obvious, I’m so proud of you for how well you’ve done with everything I’ve thrown at you. It’s amazing that you’re able to handle all of this at once, Ry. I’m so fucking proud of you.” He kissed Ryan’s pulse gently. “I love you, baby.”

Ryan managed a small smile. “I’d like to go outside,” he said after a moment. “I want to know what it’s like to walk in a foot of snow.”

“Sure thing, baby. Just let me grab a few things.”

. . .

A few minutes later, and Ryan was listening to the snow crunch beneath his feet. He was wearing an oversized parka and so was Josh. He knew his tennis shoes wouldn’t protect his toes from the cold melting through, but didn't care.

The world was as silent as he’d believed it would be. Not even the birds were awake, and the sun hadn’t risen, probably wouldn’t until eight or maybe later. The snow beneath his shoes caved in under his feet, creating holes that reminded Ryan of canyons. He looked back at his footsteps and then kept moving forward. Josh was beside him, dragging his feet through the snow instead of lifting his feet completely. Ryan looked over to him, then back to the snow. The surrounding trees were heavy with it and Ryan wondered how they survived with all that weight on their branches.

“Hey, Ryan?”

Ryan looked to Josh, who was whispering. It was weird, but Ryan appreciated Josh’s reverence for the silence surrounding them. He reached out and caught Josh’s index and middle finger with his own, hooking their fingers together. 

Josh watched Ryan for a long while. “You know I love you, right?”

Ryan nodded, pulling a crooked grin. “Pretty much. And I believe you when you say it.”

“You know I’d do anything for you, right?” Josh asked.

Ryan frowned and nodded. “Of course. And I’d do the same. Are you okay?”

“You know I’d die for you, yeah? You know that?”

Ryan faltered in his steps, no long moving forward. He took both of Josh’s hands, facing him. “Josh, you gotta understand me,” he began carefully. “I appreciate the statement. I appreciate the loyalty. Fuck, dude, I love it, really. And I love that I trust you enough to know that you’re probably speaking the truth, but, hero? I don’t want that. I don’t want you to die for me.”

He glanced past Josh to make sure they were alone. He was about to bare his heart and he didn’t want anyone to see when he was about to be this vulnerable. 

“You’ve saved my life, hero,” he told him. “Not in the sense that I was gonna kill myself or anything, but in the way where I didn't have a life, Josh. I didn’t have a future. I turned thirty and decided I was gonna be alone, and that was it. I didn’t want to keep dating or keep searching only to be met with someone who was gonna fuck me over and break my heart. You’re not my longest lasting relationship yet but I know that’ll change. You and I are so fucking good for each other. You’re good for me. I love you.

“If I had to choose between you and anyone else I’d ever known in my life, I would choose you,” Ryan told him. “I would give up my history with Panic, with anyone and even one, if it meant I’d still have you in the end. But in the end, I’m so fucking grateful for the pain I went through, because I wouldn’t have ended up at that stupid party if I hadn’t been mildly famous at one point. All that shit I went through? It allowed me to reach you. All the pain and shit was worth it and I…”

“I think you’re amazing,” he murmured, looking down at their hands. “I think you’re my role model. You keep going with a brave face no matter what horrible things people say to you. You face them down and make me brave enough to face them with you. You’ve brought me up out of the darkest moments and given me a reason to live my life like I actually want to be alive at all. And then you give me your everything and more - you give me your family and your time. You’ve invited me into your life and made me feel welcomed regardless of others. You’re kind and funny and stupidly sexy, too, like, fucking wow.” Ryan chuckled. a bit. “You’re sexy. A-and I love you. I love you more than I ever thought was possible to love someone.” 

Josh was tearing up and Ryan was a little worried the tears would freeze. Then Josh slowly sunk down into the snow, so of course Ryan went down with him. “No, no, stay up,” Josh said. Ryan straightened again with a frown.

“Dude, hey,” he murmured. “You’re gonna get your jeans soaked. You could catch a cold.”

Josh pulled his hands away and reached into his pajama pants pocket. Ryan distantly wondered if he had gloves, but then Josh pulled out this small black velvet box, and his heart started going crazy.

“Christmas hasn’t started yet,” he whispered.

“Every day feels like a gift when I’m with you,” Josh replied just as softly before opening the box and showing Ryan the silver band inside. It was simple, shining a pale white with a single black stripe through the middle of the band and a small, silver circle in the middle. Ryan’s breath caught and he sunk into the snow again, wrapping his arms around Josh’s neck.

“Are you sure?” he asked shakily. 

“Positive,” Josh murmured. He pulled himself just enough out of Ryan’s grasp to pull the ring from the box and slipped it onto Ryan’s finger. It fit perfectly and Ryan was stunned. “Got your ring size while you were asleep,” Josh confessed sheepishly. “Wanted to make sure it wouldn’t fall off.”

“I love you,” Ryan said, looking away from the ring to stare into Josh’s eyes. “I love you so fucking much.”

“Is that a yes?” Josh asked. “I hope it is. I’ve fallen in love with how that ring looks on your finger.” Josh ducked his head like he was scared to suddenly receive a no for absolutely no reason. 

“Hey,” Ryan said, getting Josh’s attention with his gentle call. Josh looked to him expectantly, a little bit of a fever in his eyes. Ryan leaned in to kiss him. His knees were cold but his chest was warm enough to set his world on fire. “It’s a yes. And thanks for making me get milkshakes with you. That party was lame, anyways.”


End file.
